Sam and Max AU: Family
by InGodzHandz
Summary: In an alternate universe, Sam is a divorced single father to a little girl and Max is her uncle/godfather who becomes an unlikely father to her best friend. These are a series of vignettes about their life as a family. This idea was too cute not to try.
1. Chapter 1

"That's right, Maxine," Max said while helping a little dog girl who was white with black-spotted ears and short black hair, wearing a pink tank top with jean shorts, and holding a bb gun. "You hold the gun like this, pull the trigger, and then bang."

"But I don't like the noise it makes, Uncle Max," the five-year-old replied while wrapping her arms around his waist and looking up to him fearfully. "It's scary."

"You're just scared because you've never fired a gun before, darlin'," Max said while rubbing her head and taking the gun from her hands. "You'll like it once you get used to it. It's fun, as long as you're not the one being hit with the bullet. Watch me."

Max fired the bb gun and used it to hit a can that was sitting on top of the fence in the backyard.

"Now, you try," Max said holding the gun in her hands with her while Maxine aimed. "That's it, girl. Aim, then fire!"

The gun went off and hit another can that was set up on the fence.

Maxine smiled a smile that was just like her daddy's and said, "We hit it, Uncle Max!"

"Yes, we did," Max said crouching down and rubbing his god-daughter's head again. "Now, that wasn't so bad. Was it? Try firing by yourself this time."

Maxine aimed and fired the gun hitting another can off the fence.

"I did it, Uncle Max!" she yelled.

"Fantastic job, my destructive little protégé!" Max said beaming in pride. "You're better than your daddy was the first time he tried. Soon, you'll be ready to move up to better weapons."

"I want Daddy to see," Maxine said. "Will Daddy be back soon?"

"He'll be back as soon as he tells off your mommy."

"Do I have to go back with Mommy soon? I don't want to go back with Mommy. She's mean. All she does all day is eat candy and drink juice and play with boys in her room. When I ask if I can play, she tells me to go away and yells at me. She never lets me eat candy or drink the juice or bring people home to play. It's not fair. It's lonely and boring. Sometimes, she gets sick and forgets to make dinner and I have to ask Daddy to get me food. Then, the police come and take her to the hospital. It sucks. I want to just stay here with Daddy."

"That's why your daddy is telling her off. You're going to stay here with us for now on. Your mommy is too mean to you, so you're staying here so you can be with your dad and play with your favorite uncle every day."

"Yay!" Maxine said jumping up and down.

Max smiled. Since the day she was born and named after him, Sam's daughter had managed to wrap him around her finger. It was ironic considering Max was not really that interested in children before, not even in his own biological relatives, but his niece had found a way to his heart.

"Be careful with the gun, baby," Max said. "Remember what I told you. Don't let your finger rest on the trigger when not firing until you become more experienced. You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot. Now, go back to shooting cans."

"I'm bored," Maxine said. "Can we wrestle now?"

"As soon as you hit five more cans, Maxine," Max said. "You need the practice."

"Okay," Maxine said while trying to aim the gun with her right hand.

"Maxine, I told you already. Use both hands until you're more experienced."

"Okay!" Maxine yelled as she adjusted her hands, fired the gun, and hit another can. "I hit another one!"

"You're a natural, girl," Max said. "Keep going."

"Uncle Max, I got in trouble at school today," Maxine said nervously while stopping what she was doing. "I was sent to timeout because I hit Jessica."

"Why?" Max asked while raising his eyebrows.

"Jessica wouldn't stop being mean to Diego. She kept stealing all his toys so I punched her in the nose."

"Young lady," Max began before picking her up and swinging her around. "I'm so proud of you! Oh, my God! You are a child after my own heart."

"You're not mad?" Maxine asked after dropping her gun on the ground as Max had advised her to do.

"Hell, no! I'm impressed you had the guts to do it. You don't tolerate bullying. That's a good thing. Your daddy and I don't either. We were bullied all the time as kids. I wish we had someone like you to stand up for us."

"Really?"

"Really," Max said while planting a quick kiss on her cheek. "Don't listen to those pansies. You did something good and you need to keep it up. Okay?"

"Okay," Maxine said as they both heard a car pulling up. "Daddy's home, Uncle Max!"

Maxine scrambled out of Max's arms and ran towards the driveway. Sam came out of the car with a weary smile holding a pizza.

"DADDY!" Maxine yelled as loud as she could while wrapping her arms around her father's legs.

"Hey, Maxine!" Sam said as he bent over and scooped her up in his arms while balancing the pizza with the other hand. "How are you, sweetie?"

"You need help?" Max asked as he walked over. "Our dinner is in a precarious position."

"Nothing would make me happier, little pal," Sam said passing over the pizza to Max. "Thank you!"

"Of course, I don't want you to risk dropping my god-daughter."

"Uncle Max said I was living with you now," Maxine said excitedly.

"Yes, you are, baby," Sam said. "Your mommy and I agreed that due to her irresponsibly destructive nature you would be living with me and Uncle Max for now on. She signed a document which I delivered to a judge to make it official."

"Because the two of us are only irresponsibly destructive when it comes to dealing with other people," Max said. "Don't you love the American child custody system!"

"Yes, I do," Sam said hugging his daughter closer.

They walked inside as Maxine said, "Yay! Oh, yeah. Daddy, Uncle Max showed me how to shoot a gun today! I want you to see."

"He did?" Sam said looking at Max suspiciously. "I thought we agreed that she wasn't going to learn until she turned 8."

"Come on, Sam," Max said while putting the pizza down. "It was just a bb gun. Don't be a killjoy. You're going to be jealous because she's a better shot than either of us. I'm telling ya. She's a freelance cop in the making."

"Did she do her homework?"

"Well…"

"I'm almost done," Maxine said. "Uncle Max said I should take a break since he was bored."

"Max!" Sam said facepalming. "I asked you to make sure she did her homework before dinner and Wrestlemania. You know how hard it's going to be to get her to focus when wrestling's going on?"

"Calm down," Max said opening the door to the backyard. "I'll make sure she does her boring math worksheet before wrestling starts. Now, come outside and see my god-baby's skills."

"Alright."

"Yay!" Maxine yelled as Sam put her down and she ran out the door. "See my skills, daddy!"

"I feel like I should question your parenting techniques, little pal," Sam said as they followed his daughter who was looking for the gun. "But for some reason, I'm not going to. Probably because I'm weary from dealing with my ex."

"So, did she give up easily or did you have to use persuasion?" Max asked while pulling out the bb gun. "I hoped you used persuasion. She deserved it. It's over here, Maxine!"

"Okay," Maxine said as she ran over, grabbed the gun, and ran back over to the cans on the fence.

"Remember, sweetheart, don't let your finger rest on the trigger," Max yelled back at her.

"I don't know whether it's because she agreed with me or because she was drunk but she gave up custody without a fight," Sam said sadly sitting on the steps. "I hate that things ended up this way. I had finally found a good relationship. Why did she have to go crazy like this? I loved her."

"Sam, she's slept with every drug dealer between here and New Jersey," Max said patting him on the back. "She's crazier than me and she refuses to get help. Neither you or Maxine deserve that, mostly not Maxine. You did what was best for her. You have nothing to regret."

"That is uncharacteristically kind of you to say."

"Well, the vast chasm of amorality that was once my heart has been replaced with gentleness and love and it's all because of your child. It feels weird. I feel like being a decent human being now. I don't know myself anymore. I hope you're happy."

"I am," Sam said standing up. "I am a happily divorced single father. I actually feel kinda relieved."

"That's the spirit, Sam," Max said jumping on his shoulders while he and Sam watched Maxine shoot the cans. "I told you she has skills. See, the relationship wasn't a total loss. You two gave life to a perfect, little angel of destruction who we will both love forever. We just need to focus on raising her to be a chaos-loving freelance cop or whatever else she desires to be."

"You crack me up…" Sam said before he noticed his daughter doing something wrong and went over to help. "Maxine, that is not the right way to hold a gun. What are you doing?"

"Uncle Max said it was," Maxine yelled back.

"That explains it."

"Hey!" Max said jumping off Sam. "I am a great teacher. Don't question my techniques."

The two then spent the next hour arguing over the most effective way to hold a gun until it was time to watch wrestling.


	2. Chapter 2

It was morning. Sam and Max were around the table drinking coffee and enjoying each other's company when Sam suddenly remembered that he had a kid to prepare for school.

"Holy great balls of fire following Apollo's chariot!" Sam said as he got up from the table.

"What is it, Sam?" asked Max.

"I have to get Maxine ready for school," Sam said walking very quickly to her door. "The bus is coming in an hour."

"Ah, I know one thing I should have done as president," Max said sipping his coffee. "I should have added an amendment to the Constitution that said it was immoral to make children wake up early for school. Hindsight is truly 20/20."

"That would certainly save me a lot of trouble," Sam said opening the door and turning on the light. "You should use that as your platform for a reelection campaign. It would get you the vote of college students and parents for sure. Wake up, Maxine! It's time for school."

"But I'm still tired, Daddy," Maxine complained. "Can't I skip school today?"

"I knew I shouldn't have let you stay up late watching Wrestlemania," Sam said sitting next to her on her bed and shaking her gently while she hid herself under the covers. "Come on, Maxine. Uncle Max and I have to go to work."

"I'm sick. You should stay home."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am," Maxine then proceeded to fake cough as much as possible.

"Good effort, but that is still the second fakest cough I have ever heard in my entire life," Sam said pulling the sheets off her. "It's not working, sweetheart."

"I don't wanna go to school," Maxine whined pulling the pillow above her head. "Don't make me go, Daddy!"

"I hate it when you act like this, but I must be strong," Sam said while pulling her pillow away. "You're going to school, Maxine. Now, get up before I have to get nasty."

"But, Daddy…"

"BANZAI!" Max yelled at the top of his lungs while he ran in, jumped on the bed, and picked up his goddaughter who was laughing uncontrollably. "Come on, kiddo! I'm going to get you ready for school while your Daddy makes you breakfast."

"Thank you, little pal," Sam said while avoiding the toys his daughter left on the floor on his way out of the room.

"No problem," Max said as he ran into the bathroom of Maxine's room holding her like a football. "Now, come on, Maxine. Let's hurry before your food gets cold."

"I have to go potty," Maxine said.

"You can go after you brush your teeth, brush your hair, and wash your face," Max said. "Come on, girl. I'm hungry, too."

"Okay," Maxine replied.

About ten minutes later, Max walked out of the room.

"I'll see you in a minute, Maxine," Max said.

"Okay!" Maxine replied happily while he shut the door.

Sam put the omelets on the table and said, "The food is ready. How is she?"

"She'll be out after she finishes getting dressed," Max said. "We've taken care of everything else. Who knew I had such a way with children?"

"It's uncanny," Sam said while Max sat down. "You're the last person I'd expect to have any parental instincts, but you can get her to do anything, while I feel like I have to become a villain just to drag her out of bed to get her ready in the morning."

"I'm the cool uncle and you're the boring parent, Sam. Kids will do anything for the cool uncle."

"I take offense to that. I am not boring. I let her stay up to watch wrestling."

"It was just a joke, Sam. You're not boring. You're just her father, and for that reason, she's going to always think you're being lame when you ask her to do anything."

"Great."

Just then, they heard a knock at the door.

"I got it," Max said running to the door. "I got it!"

Max opened the door and he saw an unexpected sight. It was a little brown rabbit girl with a smile very much like his. She was wearing a white t-shirt with stains all over it, jean shorts, and a green jacket and carrying a white backpack on her back.

"Hi there, fellow rabbit!" she said. "I'm Samantha. Is Maxine here? She's my friend. She said this was where her house was. She drew me a map."

The little girl then showed Max a crudely drawn map showing where their house was from a few houses over. Max recognized it as his goddaughter's handwriting and stepped aside to let her in while pondering over where he recognized her from and over the irony.

"Are you guys pagans?" Samantha asked. "A long time ago, it was a superstition to not step on the door frame of any house. I know it was long ago, but I want to ask anyway. I don't want to be rude."

"We're not pagans," Max said in dumbfounded confusion. "Maxine! Your friend is here!"

"Okay," Samantha said while walking through the door and looking around.

"What friend?" Sam asked as he walked to the door and froze at the irony. "Who are you?"

"That's Sammy!" Maxine said running over and giving her buddy a hug. "She moved to the school this week, and now, she's my best buddy! But I like to call her Chocolate, because she looks like a chocolate bunny."

"I prefer Choco," Samantha said as she hugged her back. "It sounds cooler, like I'm Spanish or something."

"What are you doing here, Choco?" Sam asked while Max was standing by the door and flipping through photos on Facebook on his phone.

"Her mommy and daddy are mean like Mommy is," Maxine explained while they let go revealing that she was wearing a Roman Reigns t-shirt with red shorts. "They drink a lot of juice and forget to give her food, so I told her she could come here and eat with us if she was hungry."

"Okay," Sam said pulling out a chair for his daughter and another chair for her friend. "We can feed your buddy. Sit over here, Choco."

"Yay!" Maxine said going to her chair. "Thanks, Daddy!"

"Oh, thank you, God! Thank you, too!" Samantha said sitting next to her. "I haven't eaten since lunch time yesterday. I'm starving. This will be absolutely lovely."

Sam served them both omelets and orange juice and watched them both eat out of the corner of his eye while he made lunches for them both. Maxine finished her food slowly while Samantha seemed to scarf everything down in ten seconds flat.

"You really were hungry, Chocolate," Maxine said noticing that her plate was empty and she was almost done with her orange juice. "Do you want my food, bunny pal?"

"Here you go, Choco bunny," Max said giving her his omelet and still looking at his phone.

"Thank you," Samantha said happily while she started cutting up her food without any help. "You know how the word 'bunny' makes you think 'cute?' People think bunnies are always cute, but did you know we can be vicious? I watched the movie 'Watership Down' on TV last night while Mommy and Daddy were sleeping. The bunnies in that movie were really aggressive. They got into fights and everything. They were like this…"

Samantha jumped on Maxine and playfully began to gnaw on her ears while saying, "Nom…nom…nom... nom…nom…nom…nom…"

Maxine sat there and laughed.

"You're so funny, Choco," Maxine said while continuing to eat her food. "You're just like Uncle Max."

"I know that all too well, Choco," Sam said bringing over the lunches, pulling the little rabbit off his daughter, and placing her back on her chair. "My little buddy, Max, here is as vicious as they come. I made a lunch for you, Maxine. Sammy can have one, too. Put it in your backpacks so you don't lose it. Remember not to eat the pepper spray."

"I know why," Samantha said sticking the bag in her backpack. "You spray it in the eyes, not in the food. It's to keep bad guys away!"

"You're a smart girl, Choco," Sam said.

"Yeah, she's the smartest girl in our class," Maxine said while Samantha went back to eating her omelet. "She always knows the answers to all the questions the teacher asks and helps me with my work. The other kids call her a nerd, but I'll punch them in the face if they're mean to her. She's my new best buddy."

"That's my girl," Sam said patting her head.

"Hey, Sammy?" Max asked finally looking up from his phone. "Would your parents be named Simon and Esther by any chance?"

"Yeah," Samantha said between bites. "But we're not Jewish. We can't be. We're rabbits. We're not ceremonially clean until you get to the New Testament."

"Do you recognize these people?" Max asked while showing pictures of a rabbit couple on his phone.

"Yeah, that's my Mommy and Daddy," Samantha said eating the last of her food. "They're dressed nicer than they usually are. That must be when they were married."

Max put his phone down and stared in amazement as Samantha finished the last of her orange juice before he said, "Holy…. cow! Your parents are my cousins, so you're my cousin, too. That explains a lot, especially the teeth. They run in our family. What a random coincidence."

"Really?" Samantha and Maxine said at the same time.

"Is that true, little pal?" Sam asked.

"Yes, it is, Sam," Max said happily. "Sammy's parents disappeared for a while after they got married, so I never met her before now but I heard from Facebook, the number one tool for stalking family members and old friends that they had had a kid so there. Maxine, meet your god-cousin."

"Yay!" Maxine said hugging her buddy. "I have a god-cousin."

"According to the Bible, some forms of Hinduism, and the Theory of Evolution, we are all related to each other somehow, but it is nice to meet some family that is more closely related to me," Samantha said with a smile. "It's nice to finally meet you, Cousin Max."

"You can just call me Max and we'll call you Choco," Max said. "That way, we don't ever mix you up with Sam."

"Wait a second," Sam said suddenly noticing what his daughter was wearing. "You are not going to school dressed like that. No child of mine is leaving our home with a t-shirt of Roman Reigns on."

"You're just mad because he won in the match last night instead of Byron Saxton," said Max smugly.

"I don't care," Sam said. "Maxine is not wearing that shirt out in public. Go change, Maxine!"

"Fine," Maxine replied while she jumped off the chair followed by Choco. "Come on, Choco. You need to change shirts anyway. Your shirt is dirty and Daddy says you shouldn't wear dirty clothes."

"I'm too short to reach the washing machine, so I gratefully accept your offer," Choco said.

The two ran into Maxine's room where giggling abounded while the two changed clothes.

"Now, that's uncanny," Sam said when the girls were out of hearing range. "Two kids, a puppy coming out of a semi-stable home and a little rabbit coming from a family of psychos come together to begin a life of friendship and marketable hijinks. Sound familiar?"

"And coming from the same families as their elders no less," Max said with a smile. "It looks like our family members are fated to be together for all time."

"It seems that the Almighty saw fit to bind your cousin and my little girl together."

"So, let men not separate their friendship. We'll need to keep having Sammy over here. Her parents are great at partying but terrible at being responsible adults in about any other capacity. Their wedding was a shot gun wedding provoked by a surprise pregnancy and my older brother's insistence."

"Do I sense you caring for another little girl who is not my daughter out of a sense of familial obligation? Who are you and what have you done with Max?"

"You act like I've never cared for anyone before. We raised an alligator. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. We'll have to take the girls to visit John sometime if he hasn't already died."

"Besides, it's like I told you, Sam. Your daughter has inspired me to be a decent human being. Your family took me in and gave me a semi-stable life away from the lunatics I call my family members. I feel like we should do the same thing for my sweet, adorable, hyperactive, and improbably intelligent little cousin."

"You really have grown a conscience, Max."

"I know. I'm scaring myself."

"We're ready," Maxine said as she and her bestie came out of her room.

Maxine came out wearing a black Byron Saxton t-shirt and Choco emerged wearing the Roman Reigns t-shirt that Maxine was wearing earlier.

"Much better," Sam said.

"That's my cousin," Max said. "I love your shirt."

"Thank you!" Choco said. "I thought wearing it would make you happy."

"It does, darlin'," Max said. "This calls for a family photo!"

"They're going to be late, Max," Sam said.

"It's okay, Sam," Max said pulling out his phone. "It won't take long. Besides, look at them. They look adorable! We can't say no to being stereotypical parents at a moment like this. I feel the urge to take photos."

"They do look adorable," Sam said pulling his phone out, too. "Okay, just one."

The two fulfilled their parental urge to unnecessarily record the moment and even took selfies with their girls. Sam then ushered them out the door with their backpacks so they wouldn't miss the bus.

"Thanks for the food and shirt, guys!" Choco said as she hugged Sam and then her cousin.

"You're welcome, Choco," Max said hugging her back. "Come by after school and we'll give you dinner."

"Okay," Choco said running to catch up with Maxine as they ran for the bus.

"Have a great day, girls!" Sam yelled.

"Remember to spray the pepper spray in the eyes of the bullies!" Max yelled. "That's where it's most effective!"

The pair then watched the next generation board the bus and go to school.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam and Max: Unlikely Place

Maxine and Sammy got off the bus from school and went back to Maxine's house. Not usual, their guardians were not present yet, so as per Sammy's insistence, they went inside and went straight to their homework. Once they were done, Sammy had an idea.

"Hey, Maxine!" Sammy said as she sat up at her seat on the table. "Do you wanna go walk around with me? We can go to town. It's not far away and it's lots of fun there! I go all the time!"

"That sounds fun, Choco," Maxine said in hesitation. "But I think we should wait until Daddy and Uncle Max get here. I don't want them to worry."

"Oh, they won't worry. My Mommy and Daddy never get worried and I go out all the time."

"I still think we should wait. They'll worry if they don't know what we're doing."

"I don't want to wait. How about we write a note to tell them what we're doing?"

"That should be fine," Maxine said feeling instantly better about her friend's plan. "They won't worry if they know what's going on, but my handwriting isn't very good."

"Mine is. I'll write a note."

Sammy pulled a piece of paper out of her backpack and wrote on it, "Maxine and I went to town. We'll be back later for dinner. Love, Choco and Maxine."

"That should be good," Maxine said as she slowly read the note. "Let's go."

"Wait," Choco said emptying her backpack's contents onto the table and pulling a library book back in along with the pepper spray. "We have to get ready. When you go to town, you don't want to be unprepared. You need stuff."

"Like what?"

"Like your pepper spray and some water. You might run into someone mean or get thirsty. You also need money, but we can get that from my Mommy."

"I'll get water out of the fridge," Maxine said running over to the fridge and opening the door pulling out a water bottle. "Here, we can share a water bottle."

"That's a good idea," Sammy said. "If you carry more than one, your backpack gets heavy."

Maxine ran over and stuck the water bottle in her backpack.

"Alright, let's go," Sammy said happily pulling the backpack on her back. "We just have to stop by my parents' house and we can go."

The pair left the house, Maxine locked the door, and they walked over to Sammy's house. The front door was unlocked, so they just walked in. There were bottles strewn everywhere and all the lights were off. Choco ran past the kitchen and into the den where her parents were lying hungover from another night of partying with a suitcase full of money sitting wide open on the floor and the television blaring.

Samantha's father was Max's cousin. He was as white as he was with the same smile while being overweight. Samantha's mother was light brown like she was. She was tall and skinny wearing a white crop top and black booty shorts. They both smelled like alcohol and were in their mid-twenties.

Maxine and Sammy were unfazed by the sight. It was one they had both seen before.

"What's on the TV?" Maxine whispered while Choco walked over and picked up a wad of cash to stick in her backpack.

"It's the National Geographic channel," Choco said. "We watch it all the time. I love it. You learn a lot from watching it."

"Don't be so loud, Samantha," her mother said while rolling over on the couch before falling back asleep.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," Sammy said. "I'm just getting money to go to town with. This is my friend, Maxine."

"That's fine," her father Simon said from the floor. "Just go away and leave us be."

"Okay," Sammy replied said while they headed to the door. "I'm eating dinner with Maxine, her dad, and cousin Max later."

"Whatever," Simon said, not really listening to what she said.

"Bye, guys!" Samantha yelled while she and Maxine walked out the door.

"They're mean," Maxine said while they stepped off the front porch. "I don't like them."

"Yeah, they never do anything besides lie around," Sammy said. "It's so boring. That's why I go to town all the time. There's never anything to do at home besides watch TV. I like your family better."

The pair quickly made their way to town since they didn't live far from it. It took them only about half an hour to walk.

Around that time, Sam and Max got home.

"Maxine, Choco, we're home," Sam said as they walked through the door and he took off his coat. "Sorry about that! A case kept us for a little while longer than we expected."

"Yeah, it turns out that some people just won't talk, even when they're being held upside down over the Hudson," Max said as his eyes suddenly fell on the note on the kitchen table.

"Where are you, girls?" Sam asked as he went back to look in the backyard. "Are you hiding?"

"They ain't hiding, Sam," Max said holding up the note and running over to him. "Look."

Sam read it over as his heart started to beat quickly in panic and he said, "Holy xylophones in a jazz band! Our kids are missing!"

"And I've barely known mine for 24 hours. But it's alright, Sam. Sammy said where they were going. We just have to go downtown to pick them up."

"But any number of horrible things could happen before they get there! We don't know how long ago they left! They could be lost! They could be dying in someone's basement! They could be anywhere, Max! We have to find them! NOW!"

Sam picked up Max, grabbed his coat, and ran out the door and back into the DeSoto. He slammed his foot on the accelerator and drove as fast as he could.

"Slow down, Sam," Max said. "We'll miss them if they're walking on the side of the road."

"That is the most logical thing you've ever said," Sam said slowing down.

"Thanks!" Sammy said getting her change back from the employee at Smoothie Planet who got her and her buddy their smoothies.

Maxine reached past her and collected their drinks for them.

"Thanks for paying for my smoothie!" Maxine said handing Choco's drink to her. "I don't think I've ever had one before."

"Really? Why not?"

"Daddy and Uncle Max don't like smoothies."

"That explains why your Dad is so fat."

"Yeah, I hope I'm not as fat as he is when I get older."

"It's okay if you are. God says in the Bible that it is what's in the heart that matters."

"Where do you wanna go now? I don't know where to go. We don't go here that often."

"I know where we can go," Sammy said with a smile. "Let's go to the library!"

"You like going to the library?" Maxine asked in hesitation. "But I can't read that well."

"It's okay. I'll read to you and you can get some practice. Let's go! I have to take a book back anyway."

"Okay."

The pair left the store and walked straight to the library that was right next door, conveniently enough.

"Wow, this place is big, Choco," Maxine said as they walked through the door.

"Not as big as the one in the city," Choco replied. "I've heard the library in the city is huge, but my parents won't take me there no matter how often I ask. I'm going to go one day when I can drive."

"We could take the subway."

"But then we wouldn't be back in time for dinner."

"Oh, yeah."

The DeSoto then entered the area and drove past the library. They parked and went searching in every store they could.

"I don't see them in any of the stores, Max," Sam said after they walked around for as long as it took to run through all the stores. "Do you think they could be in the library?"

"Kids don't like libraries, Sam," Max said. "Besides, Maxine can't read that well yet."

"Alright then, let's go by the office and interrogate a rat."

"You really think Jimmy knows anything about where they are? You don't think we can find them on our own?"

"To find Maxine and your cousin, I'll ask for anyone's help, Max. I'm not taking any chances with this one, not when they're involved."

"I understand and I agree. Let's go."

They jumped into the DeSoto, pulled around, and headed back for their office.

Meanwhile, Sammy and Maxine walked into the library with their smoothies.

"Hey, no drinks, girls!" a Caribbean-American lady librarian wearing a red head band and a yellow dress said. "You know the rules, Sammy."

"Please, Ms. Betsy!" Sammy said running up to her at the counter. "We'll be careful."

Betsy smiled and said, "Alright, alright. You and your friend can finish them up here, Sammy. By the way, who's your friend, child? Are you a wayward youth like Sammy is?"

"I'm Maxine," Maxine replied between sipping her smoothie. "Sammy is my best buddy. We go to the same school."

"It's nice to meet you, Maxine," Betsy said. "By the way, Sammy, you lost something last time you were here."

"What?" Samantha asked.

"Your hair bow," Betsy said pulling up a green clip-on bow.

"My bow!" Sammy said jumping up and down. "I was looking everywhere for it. Thank you!"

"Come here and I'll clip it back on for you," Betsy said while she opened the gate separating them on the side of the counter. "Now, sit still."

Betsy crouched down and clipped the bow around Sammy's right ear. Maxine then thanked her by handing her the smoothie.

"Thank you!" Sammy said. "You can drink the rest of this. I don't want it anymore. It's alright. I don't have mono."

"I'm done," Maxine said as she stuck her drink in a garbage can. "Let's go."

"Okay," Sammy said starting to walk away before she set down her backpack and pulled out her book. "Oh, yeah. Here's my book, Ms. Betsy."

"Thanks," Betsy replied.

"Why'd you do that?" Maxine asked in confusion.

"In libraries, you borrow books," Betsy explained. "But eventually, you have to give them back so other people can read them."

"Like Netflix DVD's?"

"Yes, but with a sooner return date."

"Come on, Maxine," Sammy said pulling on Maxine's arm. "There's a book I want to show you. See ya, Ms. Betsy."

Betsy watched the two of them vanish into the library and worried about Samantha's future.

"Where do we go now, Choco?" Maxine asked.

"I wanna show you a book," Choco replied. "It's one of my favorites and I know where it is."

Sammy and Maxine wandered around the library until Sammy found what she was looking for.

"There, it is," Sammy said pointing at a book on the top of the shelf. "Oh, no! It's too high up. I can't reach it."

Sammy sat down and started pouting.

"It's okay, Choco," Maxine said sitting down next to her. "You can climb up there and get it. I'll give you a boost."

"But I'm little and weak," Sammy said starting to tear up. "I'm not strong."

"Yes, you are. Uncle Max is strong. I see him do things like that all the time. If he can do it, then you can, too."

"Okay."

Maxine got down on all fours and said, "Climb on top of me, Choco. You can do it!"

"Alright," Choco said taking her backpack off, climbing on top of Maxine's back, and using her as a boost to climb onto the bookshelves.

She put one foot onto a bookshelf and then another. She then placed her hands on the shelf above that. Carefully, Choco moved up one foot and then another.

"That's right, Choco," Maxine yelled while Choco started climbing. "Keep going."

"I can't do it," Sammy cried. "I'm too weak."

"No, you're not! Keep going and don't look down! I'll go get something for you to land on."

"Hurry!"

Sammy stood there holding onto the side of the shelves of books and trembling in fear.

"I have to keep going," Sammy said to herself as she climbed further. "Maxine is counting on me."

She felt her courage come back to her, and Sammy kept climbing and eventually made it to the top where she found her book.

"I'm back, Choco!" Maxine yelled pulling a large red bean bag chair behind her. "You can land on this!"

"Are you sure about this?" Choco asked.

"Yeah! Uncle Max does this all the time!"

"Okay."

Sammy pulled the book back and fell backwards. Sure enough, the bean bag was there to break her fall.

"That was fun!" Choco shouted. "Let's do it again!"

But just then, a librarian came around the corner and said, "Shhhhh!" before walking away.

"Let's read the book before we get in trouble, Choco," Maxine said as she settled into the bean bag next to her buddy.

"Okay," Sammy said as she opened the book. "This book is called _Legends and Folktales from Scotland_. It's one of my favorites. My favorite story is the one about the selkies."

"What are selkies?" Maxine asked looking into the book that had few pictures but many words. "There aren't many pictures."

"You have to use your imagination with this book, Maxine. You have to close your eyes and picture what it looks like in your head."

"Okay, I'm closing my eyes."

"I didn't mean literally but that works, too. Okay, "A selkie is a magical creature that is a seal in the water but transforms into a human when they reach land. They accomplish this by shapeshifting and shedding their seal coats…"

"I can see them, Choco," Maxine cried with her eyes shut. "I can them in my mind. They're so cool."

"I knew you could do it," Sammy said. "That's why I love books. When you read them, you can go anywhere you want."

"Keep reading. I want to see more."

"Why don't you read?"

"I'm not very good," Maxine said opening her eyes.

"That's okay," Sammy said putting the book in front of her. "I'll help you."

"Okay…"

"Leave my dad alone, you *******!" Timmy Two-Teeth said aiming the gun at Sam and Max outside the giant robot. "He hasn't done nothing to your brats."

"I never said he did," Sam said while Max was shaking Jimmy upside down. "I said we needed help."

"Why should I help you'se two?" Jimmy Two-Teeth asked. "All you two have ever done is bring me misery."

"You're not doing it for us," Max said stopping the shaking. "You're doing it for my goddaughter and my cousin."

"They're both only five, Jimmy," Sam said in more desperation than he had ever shown in his entire life. "They're just defenseless babies. Have a heart, rat! You have a kid yourself. Imagine how we feel."

Jimmy looked at his son, now a teenager, who he would do anything for.

"Put my old man down or you ****** are gonna get it!" Timmy yelled.

"Use your connections to help us and we will look the other way from now on," Sam said.

"Sam?" Max said in surprise.

"We'll do anything you want," Sam said. "Just call your connections and help us find our girls."

"Alright, alright, I'll help," Jimmy said. "But not for you. I'll do it for your girls. I know I'd do anything to find my boy so I'll do anything to find your girls. Just put me down."

"You're a good rat, Jimmy," Sam said as Max lowered him to the ground.

"Yeah, yeah," Jimmy replied standing up and brushing himself off. "You're lucky I have a soft spot for kids. Stand down, Timmy. We're gonna help 'em."

"But Dad," Timmy said lowering his weapon. "They're cops."

"They are cops, but they're also parents," Jimmy said. "As a parent myself, I can't turn my back this time. Call up the guys. We got kids to find."

"Okay, Dad," Timmy said before running back into the robot night club. "But if you two try anything funny, your ***** are grass!"

"I thought your son got surgery for his Tourette's syndrome," Max said.

"He did," Jimmy said. "But he's still got a dirty mouth, like his old man."

"Thank you, Jimmy," Sam said. "We owe you one."

"Can I help, too?" Sam and Max heard a familiar voice say as their hair stood on end.

They turned around to see Lorne hovering over their shoulders just behind them.

"Lorne?" Sam asked. "I thought you were institutionalized."

"They let me out because of budget cuts," Lorne said. "Please let me help you find your kids. I know what they look like. I follow you on Facebook."

"We're not in the mood, Lorne," Max said. "Go away."

"But I want to help you find your kids," Lorne said. "Please, guys!"

"Fine," Sam said. "Go look for Maxine and Samantha in town."

"Okay, I will not fail you, my heroes!" Lorne said running away.

"What did you tell him that for, Sam?" Max asked.

"It got rid of him. Didn't it?" Sam replied.

"Who was that guy?" Jimmy asked. "He gives me the creeps."

"Our stalker from back in the '90's when we had a show that was appropriate for kids," Max replied.

"Trust me," Sam said. "You don't want to know much more than that."

"I'll take ya word for it," Jimmy replied.

"Hey, guys?" Timmy said running back to the door with his hand over his cell phone receiver. "What do your ******* kids look like? I need a description."

"I'll handle this," Max said pulling out his phone and showing him the pictures they took with the girls that morning.

Timmy soon had all his father's friends and connections scouring the city looking for Maxine and Sammy.

A few hours later, Maxine and Sammy woke up on the red bean bag. They had both fallen asleep.

"What happened?" Maxine asked.

"I guess we fell asleep," Sammy said. "That happens sometimes. It's so peaceful here. It's like a church."

"I wonder what time it is. We should go back before Daddy and Uncle Max start to worry."

"Okay, I'll just check the book out so we can read it at home."

Maxine and Sammy got up from the bean bag and were heading to the front desk when Maxine looked out the window.

"Oh, no!" Maxine said starting to cry. "It's dark outside, Choco. Daddy says it's dangerous to go outside at night. That's when bad people come out. How will we get home?"

"It's alright, Maxine," Choco said. "I know someone who can give us a ride."

Sammy pulled Maxine into the room where Betsy, now in workout gear, was hosting her Zumba class. There were young and old women and a few men dancing around to music.

"What's going on, Choco?" Maxine asked. "Is this a party?"

"Sort of," Sammy said. "It's a work-out class where you dance. Ms. Betsy hosts it every Tuesday and Thursday night. We can ask her to drive us home when the class is over, but for now, let's dance!"

Sammy put down her book, her jacket, and her backpack and started dancing along with Betsy and the other students. Maxine jumped in and danced along with them.

In the meantime, a rat looked in through the window, pulled out his phone and said, "Jimmy, it's Bob. I found them. They're at the library."

On the other side of town, Jimmy was sitting on his giant robot night club with his son, his wife, and Sam and Max.

Sam who was listening since Bob was talking on speaker phone turned to Max and said mockingly, "Kids don't like libraries, Sam."

"Shut up," Max replied while the two of them ran to their DeSoto. "I know I should have guessed it since my cousin is such an egg head."

"Thanks for the help, Jimmy," Sam said as they hopped in.

"No problem," Jimmy said. "But don't forget our deal."

"Don't be too hard on the girls," Mary yelled. "They are just little kids!"

"So long, **********!" Timmy yelled waving goodbye.

Sam and Max sped off in their DeSoto to the library close to their house.

When the Zumba class was over, Betsy checked out Sammy's book for her and the three girls walked as a group to Betsy's car.

"Thanks for driving us home," Maxine said.

"No problem, child," Betsy said. "I drive Sammy home all the time. I just hope your folks aren't mad."

"No, it's okay," Sammy said. "We told them where we were. They shouldn't be worried."

"Not all parents are like yours, Sammy," Betsy said. "Her parents might be worried sick. I better get you two home."

They were at Betsy's car and about to enter when someone large came running up behind them. It was Lorne. He came up behind Betsy and scooped Maxine and Sammy into his arms.

"There you are, you two little bundles of joy," Lorne said.

"Put those girls down now!" Betsy yelled as she reached in her purse for her pepper spray.

"No, it's okay," Lorne said as the girls struggled to escape his embrace. "I'm friends with their relatives. Sam and Max have been looking for you and I'm going to bring you to him. They'll be so happy!"

"Put us down, you creep!" Maxine yelled. "I know all my Daddy's friends and I've never seen you before."

"I have pepper spray and I know martial arts," Betsy said getting more in his face. "I'm warning you."

"I'm gonna take you two back to my pals and they're gonna be so happy…AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lorne started screaming as Sammy bit down on his arm causing him to drop them.

"Maxine, Betsy, run! Take my stuff with you. Make sure the book isn't damaged and call Maxine's Daddy," Sammy said as she threw off her jacket, her backpack, and her hair bow. "I'll take care of this guy!"

Sammy then jumped on top of the car and launched herself onto Lorne's face. She broke into a frenzy using her teeth to bite him in as many places as possible. Maxine picked up Sammy's stuff and ran away while Betsy stood there in dumbfounded wonder over how a rabbit as small as Sammy could be so strong and violent.

"Come on, Ms. Betsy!" Maxine yelled pulling on her arm and shaking her out of her trance. "We have to call my Daddy and Uncle Max. They can stop anybody!"

No sooner had she said those words then did Sam and Max pull up to the library parking lot in their DeSoto. Sam jumped out of the car as soon as he could and wrapped Maxine up in his arms.

"Maxine! You're alright!" Sam said in relief. "Thank God! What's Sammy doing?"

"She's beating up a bad guy," Maxine said pointing to Lorne who was being shredded by her little lagomorphic friend. "Look at her go!"

"You've got to stop her, man," Betsy said. "At this rate, she's going to kill him. Please, she's a sweet girl. I don't want her to be sent to Juvie."

"Is it bad that I don't want to stop this?" Max asked sitting on the hood on Betsy's car and staring on in pride. "She's scrappier than she looks. Keep it up, Sammy! You're making your cousin Max very proud."

"Max," Sam said in disapproval. "It's a school night."

"Cousin Max?" Sammy asked stopping mid-fight and turning to her cousin and her other friends. "Hey! What's up?"

Sammy jumped down onto the hood of the car where Max was and said, "I was just fighting a bad guy."

"He's not a bad guy," Max said. "He's mostly just annoying, but I appreciate your work nonetheless."

"Oh, sorry," Sammy said to Lorne who fell over on the ground.

"Maxine!" Sam said making his daughter look him in the eyes. "WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU! YOU WORRIED US SICK! DON'T EVER GO OFF ON YOUR OWN LIKE THAT AGAIN! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"

"Yes, Daddy," Maxine said timidly since her Dad getting upset was such a rare occasion. "I'm sorry. Sammy said you wouldn't worry since her parents never did."

"You scared me," Sam said more quietly holding his daughter in a tighter hug. "I thought I would never see you again."

Just then, Sammy's face exploded into tears. She cried loudly and gave no signs of stopping.

"Sammy, dear," Betsy said calmly. "What's the matter?"

"Yeah, kid," Max said. "What gives?"

"Don't take Maxine away!" Sammy yelled between sobs while she jumped off the car and wrapped her arms around her buddy. "I'm sorry. Just don't take her away!"

"Maxine isn't going anywhere," Max said following her down. "What are you talking about?"

"They took my friend away," Sammy said barely audibly between the sobs. "That's what happened when I lived in the apartment. I took Bobby to the library and his mommy got mad at me and never let me see him again. She wouldn't let me see him anymore because she said I was a juvenile delinquent and I was all alone! I don't wanna be alone again! It sucks so much! Please don't take Maxine away! I'll do whatever you say. I'll be good. Just don't take her away forever!"

"We're not taking her away forever, Sammy," Sam said letting go of his daughter to rub Sammy's back. "You two can still be friends. Right, Max?"

Max walked over, scooped Sammy up in his arms and said, "He's right, Choco. We're not that mean. We wouldn't do that to ya. Calm down. It's alright. You made a mistake, but you can learn from it. Just don't go out by yourselves without asking from now on so we don't have to go on anymore city-wide manhunts. Okay?"

"Okay," Sammy said as she started calming down.

Max tried to put her down, but Sammy held onto him tighter to tell him that she didn't want him to let her go.

"Are you really her cousin?" Betsy asked.

"Yeah," Max said feeling the bundle in his arms hug him closely.

"Does she live with you or her parents?"

"Her parents."

"Oh, well, I know you don't know me but I'm her friend, too. I'm Betsy. I work here as a librarian and I may not be a child psychologist, but I can tell that she's being neglected. She's hungry all the time and she's lonely. She's starting to develop issues and I think that she needs to be separated from her parents. They don't care, man. I was planning on calling child protective services and asking them if I could be her foster mom, but if you two have found your way into her life, I was wondering if you two would be taking care of her instead."

There was a heavy silence in the group.

"I understand if you don't want to do it, man, but she's at risk and I can't turn my back on her. I don't want her to end up in juvie."

There was another silence. Max looked down at the little girl in his arms who was so scared, so lonely, and so upset without any real reliable family members to take care of her, just like him. He felt compassion for her.

"You don't need to call child protective services," Max said. "My buddy and I will be taking her in. She'll be staying with us from now on. Right, Sam?"

Max looked at his cousin and then looked at Sam who was looking at Maxine who had wandered over to rub her friend's back.

"I suppose we have no choice," Sam said. "We can't let my little buddy's cousin and little girl's friend get taken away."

"That is wonderful," Betsy said. "You two are good men."

"To say we try would be a lie, but we do some things right," Max said.

"Okay," Betsy said turning to go into her car. "Well, I'll see you later, Sammy! Enjoy your book."

"Bye!" Sammy said waving goodbye to her friend. "I'll see you soon."

"With one of us preferably," Sam said.

The two parties went to their cars completely forgetting about Lorne who was lying in the parking lot, in awe of the fact that he had been beaten by a member of Max's family.

"Can we get food, Daddy?" Maxine said climbing in the backseat. "I'm hungry."

"Sure, we can, sweetie," Sam said climbing into his seat. "You have Sammy's stuff?"

"Yeah!"

"Good."

"Get in the back, Choco," Max said trying to get his cousin to sit in the backseat of the DeSoto next to Maxine. "You can't sit up here."

"No," Sammy said still holding on tightly to Max. "I wanna sit up here with you."

"Alright, just this once," Max said too tired to argue the point.

"Here's my coat," Sam said as he took it off. "Use it to cover her up so other cops don't stop us."

Max covered Sammy in the coat like a blanket as he sat himself in the front seat.

They then drove off to find a drive thru. Both girls fell asleep before they even reached the house.

Max was unusually quiet as he sat there holding his cousin safely and warmly in his arms. He felt more warmth growing inside his heart as she laid there sleeping against his chest.

When they finally pulled up to the driveway, Sam looked over and said, "Welcome to fatherhood, little pal."


	4. Chapter 4

Samantha slept over at Sam and Max's house that night and stayed with them for the rest of the week, which was only one day since the next day was Friday. They told her and Maxine what they intended to do, and of course, they were both ecstatic.

Sam and Max waited until Saturday and drove over to Samantha's parents' house to pick up her stuff and get them to sign some papers. Sam parked the car and let the girls out while Max went in ahead with the papers.

"Okay, girls," Sam said. "You know the rules of the game. Whoever stuffs the most of Choco's stuff into our trunk gets to choose what we do for lunch."

"Don't I have an unfair advantage since I know where my room and all my stuff is?" Choco asked.

"She does," Maxine said crossing her arms and pouting.

"You are too smart for your own good, Choco," Sam said. "You'll get far in life."

"It's alright, Maxine," Choco said smiling. "I'll tell you where everything is. That way it'll be fair."

"I'm glad you got that sorted out," Sam said pulling out a whistle. "I hope you keep getting along this well after Max officially promotes Choco to the status of god-sister. I don't want fighting."

"I can't promise we won't fight," Choco said. "But we'll try hard to get along."

"I can't hate her," Maxine said giving her friend a side hug. "She's my little buddy."

Sam smiled as he looked back at the memories he and Max shared. He was sure that living together would only make their friendship stronger.

"Okay," Sam said. "Are you girls ready to get Samantha's stuff moved out of there?"

"Yeah!" they both yelled at once.

"Alrighty then," Sam said holding up the whistle. "Get ready, get set, go!"

Sam blew the whistle and both girls ran to the door and into the house. He knew that this was an unorthodox method for getting Sammy's things moved out, but he and Max had agreed that they wanted this whole episode to be as undramatic for Sammy as possible. She had experienced enough pain in her life without having another memory to scar her. God knows that she would have plenty of those later, especially since she was living with them.

Meanwhile, Max had entered the house and found his relations as he had expected, lying in a state of hungover stupor.

"Hello, Simon!" Max said after he had opened the door. "I need to talk to you about something."

Simon sat up on the couch grumbling to himself as he did so as he looked upon his cousin.

"Max? What is it, cop?" Simon asked. "I have a really bad headache."

"Yeah, what gives, man?" Esther asked standing up from the floor.

"I can see that you're both hungover as crap so I'll cut right to the chase," Max said holding up the papers and a pen. "It's about Samantha. I want to be her legal guardian since you two are too busy drinking to know where she is at any given moment. You can still see her and send us money on her behalf. You just won't be breaking her heart and her stomach anymore with your gross negligence."

Simon supported his head with his arms and said, "I thought you were too busy beating up criminals with your boyfriend to care about anyone other than yourselves, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou! What do you really want? Is this a sting or something? Since when do you care about my kid, Max?"

"Since she wandered into my life the other day with her neglected heart, big brain, and empty stomach. I don't know why I hoped that the next generation of my family would be less monstrous than the previous one. I always acted cynical about it, but I honestly really hoped things would get better. It looks like I was wrong. If any of us are going to be improved, I'm the one who will have to intervene."

Maxine and Sammy threw open the door and ran towards Samantha's room. Maxine opened the door and Sammy followed her in. They emerged with stuff from Sammy's room a few seconds later. After a few seconds, they ran back in to do the same thing.

"What's going on?" Esther said looking over across the room in her daze. "Why are they running around? Oh, God! Is the house on fire?"

"Unfortunately, it's not, Hungover Hannah," Max said. "You can go back to sleep if you don't want to fight for custody."

"Thank God!" Esther said starting to walk off to her room. "Let him do what he wants, Simon. If your cousin wants Sammy, let him have her. We have too much to do to look after her all the time anyway. All she does is get into trouble. She got us kicked out of our last apartment because she 'kidnapped' the landlord's kid. I swear to God. She's more trouble than she's worth…Wait, we will get to see her. Right?"

"If you stop partying and get your asses into some rehab, maybe."

"Then, forget it," Esther said walking over, taking the pen from Max's hands, and signing the paperwork on the ground while the two girls continued running in and out with Samantha's stuff. "I have too much fun to look forward to. I never really wanted to be a mother. It's too much work. You try to do the right thing by letting her do what she wants and everyone is on your case and then people threaten to call child services. It's ridiculous. Just sign the papers, Simon, and get Samantha off our backs."

"Okay," Simon said moving over next to her and signing the paperwork in hesitation while he looked at the papers closely to make sure they were what Max said they were.

In the meantime, Max walked over and picked up the suitcase of money that was on the floor.

"I see you've been dealing again," Max said holding up the suitcase.

"What the hell are you doing with our money?!" Esther asked.

"Yeah, jackass!" Simon yelled. "What gives? Is that why you came?"

"Think of this as child support or an investment in your daughter's future," Max said pulling out his luger. "My new child will need this money to get a car, go to college, or to pay for future therapy bills. Back off or I might have to turn this money in."

"I knew it," Simon said stepping forward. "You really were just trying to bust us! You don't care about her or anyone else."

"You used to be right. I used to only care about myself and Sam, but now, I care about myself, Sam, my goddaughter, and now my adopted daughter. It's an impressive record by my own standards."

Maxine ran out the door, but Sammy saw what was happening and stopped in her tracks.

"Max, what's going on?" Sammy asked. "Why do you have a gun?"

"It's alright, Choco," Max said bending down, taking the paperwork and pen with the same hand that was holding the luger, and backing away to the door. "Your new daddy is just getting you a nest egg, but we need to get out of here now."

"Why?"

Sam having heard the shouting opened the door, picked up Samantha, and ran out. Max ran out behind him.

"Get in the car, Maxine," Sam said. "Things have gone south."

"Okay," Maxine said running on ahead.

"What's going on, guys?" Sammy asked while she was being carried to the car with her arms full of clothes.

"It's okay," Maxine said calmly running to the trunk with the stuff and throwing it in before jumping into the back of the DeSoto. "Your parents are about to try and fight Daddy and Uncle Max so we have to run away now. They're freelance police so this happens sometimes."

"What?" Sammy said.

"Max, you said you could handle this without gun violence," Sam said shutting the trunk.

"Why did you have a gun if you were only talking?" Samantha asked suspiciously while she was lowered into the back of the DeSoto.

"The people in our family aren't reasonable people, Choco," Max said as he and Sam jumped into their seat. "Sometimes you make demands and they respond with violence, so you have to be prepared. I asked them for something and they weren't happy about it."

"So, Mommy and Daddy are bad guys?" Choco asked.

"In layman's terms, yes," Max said as Sam stepped on the gas just as Sammy's parents ran out of the house with machine guns.

"Bye!" Samantha yelled at the top of her lungs before her parents opened fire.

The two girls ducked down just in time. Sam drove faster to get them out of the line of fire.

"Why are they shooting us?" Sammy asked.

"That's just what bad guys do, Choco," Maxine said.

"My Mommy and Daddy really are mean!"

When they were a safe distance away, Sam slowed down to a stop in the parking lot of a Stuckey's.

"Well, that was fun," Sam said. "Do you think your cousin will stay away from us?"

"They will if they know what's good for them," Max said. "I have custody of their only child now, and if they violate the agreements, I could take them to court. I also could mention their dealing money if they tried anything."

"What does all of that mean?" Maxine asked.

"It means that Choco is now officially your god-sister," Max replied.

"Yay! You're my sister now, Choco," Maxine said turning to her friend who was quietly crying. "What's wrong, Choco? Why are you sad?"

"They don't love me," Sammy said with tears going down her face. "They shot at me. They didn't care if I got hurt. They don't care about me."

"We do," Max said climbing into the back and lifting Sammy onto his lap. "We're your family now. I'm gonna be your Daddy, Sam is gonna be your uncle, and Maxine will be your sister. We'll take care of you. You don't have anything to worry about. Okay?"

"Okay," Choco said looking like she was thinking about something. "Max, can I call you Daddy?"

Max felt unexpectedly touched.

He smiled warmly, hugged her close and said, "Yes, you can, baby."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

After a moment of silence, Maxine asked, "Daddy, who won?"

Sam took a moment to remember what she was talking about.

"Oh, yeah," Sam said. "I don't know, Maxine. We kinda left in a hurry, so how about we call it a tie?"

"We can eat here," Sammy suggested pointing at the restaurant they were parked in front of. "I've never been here before."

"You haven't?" Max asked opening the car door and letting the two girls out. "Then you're in for a treat."

"Yeah," Sam said exiting the car and walking to the place with the rest of them for the first time as a family. "My family used to come here all the time when I was growing up. I still remember the food poisoning…"


	5. Chapter 5

Sam and Max AU: Selkie

After a fun Saturday and Sunday, Sam and Max were back home with their daughters. The two of them were filling out paperwork to make officially adopt Samantha and make Sam her godfather while Maxine and Sammy were playing in the den.

The two girls ran behind Sam's chair. He had taken off his coat and hung his hat on the chair so Maxine boosted Samantha upon her shoulders so they could reach the hat.

"I can't believe how much paperwork is involved just to adopt a child and make someone a godfather," Sam said while Samantha quietly reached for the hat, grabbed it, and put it on her head. "It's ridiculous. No wonder there are hundreds of thousands of children in our country waiting for a home. It takes a special kind of person to endure this bureaucracy."

"If by special, you mean insane then you are correct," Max said with a smile as he looked up from his work and saw what the girls were doing but didn't say anything while they got the hat and ran off. "There ought to be a special place in hell for the people who thought of this kind of crap."

"Well, look at the bright side. At least, we get to fill it all out and once and get it over with instead of waiting on the system like everyone else."

"Aren't you glad I broke into the courthouse and stole the papers myself? I saved us so much time."

"Speaking of which," Sam said as he looked at the clock on the wall, turned around, looked at the girls, and noticed Samantha was wearing his hat. "Maxine, Choco, it's time to get ready for bed. Go take a bath."

"Awww, Daddy," Maxine pouted. "I don't wanna take a bath."

"But you love water, Maxine," Max pointed out.

"I love playing in it," Maxine explained. "I don't like bathing in it. That part's annoying."

"Makes sense to me," Max said.

"Maxine, I'll help you and we can make it go faster," Sammy said trying to calm her friend down. "Then when we're done, we can play in the tub."

"Okay!" Maxine said running ahead. "That sounds fun. Let's go!"

Sam shook his head in annoyance.

Sammy walked over to Max and handed him the hat.

"I'll see ya later, Daddy," she said looking up to him in a way that kept melting his heart.

"Alright," Max said bending over and giving her a kiss on top of her head while he took the hat from her before rubbing her head with his free hand. "Come and get me when you're done in the bathroom and I'll tuck you in. Okay?"

"Okay!" Samantha yelled running to catch up with Maxine.

"Be sure to brush your teeth!"

"You seem to be getting the hang of parenting, little pal," Sam said after Choco shut the door behind her.

"Yeah, it's so easy," Max said smiling. "I'm a natural at this."

"It's easy now because all you've had to do is the fun stuff, like cuddling with her and buying her clothes. You'll have to deal with the hard stuff soon. That will be entertaining to watch."

"Pssssh. You're just jealous that both our girls like me better than you. Besides, I don't think I have anything to worry about. Samantha's smarter and more independent than most kids are. She won't give me any trouble."

"Being smart and independent doesn't mean she won't give you any trouble. Maxine is pretty smart and independent for her age, but she still causes me problems. Choco will be no different."

"Damn it, Sam. Why do you have to be such a pessimist? You worry too much. I'm sure we can handle whatever Sammy can throw at us. At least, I will be able to. You can barely handle Maxine."

"Remind me to smother you in your sleep later."

Meanwhile, Maxine and Samantha brushed their teeth, washed themselves clean, and were playing in the bathtub when Maxine had an idea.

"Hey, Choco?" Maxine asked to get her buddy's attention. "You know that story we read about the selkies? Is there any way to turn into one if you weren't born one?"

Sammy stopped and thought for a moment before she said, "I don't know. Selkies have magic coats that make them turn into seals. I don't know where we can get one of those."

Maxine sat in the tub lost in thought while Sammy went back to playing with her toy boat.

"Choco, I have an idea," Maxine said interrupting Sammy's play. "Why don't we use my Dad's coat? He and Uncle Max have been on so many adventures that maybe some magic residue rubbed off on it."

"If that's true, then that's possible," Sammy replied lost in thought. "Does he have more than one coat? If not, we have to be a two-headed selkie."

"I don't mind being a two-headed selkie if it's with you, little buddy," Maxine said as she jumped out of the bathtub and wrapped a towel around herself. "It'll be fun."

"Okay," Sammy said with a big smile as she followed her friend and did the same thing. "Let's go."

Maxine and Sammy tiptoed out of the bathroom and crept quietly out of their room. The pair opened the door to their room and tiptoed even more quietly towards Sam's chair where his coat was hanging.

Sam was going on a tangent about something and Max was barely paying attention. Max looked over and noticed them, but Maxine held a finger to her lips and Max nodded in agreement. He didn't know what they were up to, but he was sure that it would be entertaining and funny.

Maxine pulled the coat down from the chair while Sammy held up the bottom so it wouldn't drag on the floor and possibly make noise. Sam didn't notice a thing. The girls quickly crept back to their room and quietly shut the door.

Max smiled to himself. He was so proud. His girls were turning into mischievous little troublemakers just like him and Sam.

"Max, are you even listening to me?" Sam asked waking Max up from his thoughts.

"Were you saying something important?" Max asked. "I got distracted about ten seconds after you started talking."

"Ever the attentive one," Sam said sarcastically.

"You're one to talk," Max replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't tell ya. It would spoil the surprise."

Sam started looking around suspiciously and asked, "Max, I'm tired. Could you just tell me what in the hell you're talking…?"

Sam noticed that his coat was missing.

"Alright, where is my coat?" Sam asked.

"I haven't done anything with it, Sam," Max said.

"I hate it when you act like a smartass," Sam said getting up and going to his daughter's room.

"Do you even know me?" Max asked following behind him.

"Unfortunately," Sam said opening the door to his daughter and goddaughter's room and looking around.

"It's not in here," Max said. "I wonder what they've done with it."

Before Sam could give a passively aggressive sarcastic comment, the pair heard splashing and talking in Maxine's bathroom.

"It's not working, Choco," Maxine said.

"I guess it's just not magic enough," Samantha said. "We'll just have to go to Scotland."

Sam ran over, opened the door, and paused in exasperation. Max walked over and stared in delight. Maxine and Samantha had wrapped themselves in Sam's coat in the bathtub. Now, it was soaked.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked.

"We were trying to turn into selkies," Maxine said. "But your coat is not magical enough."

Maxine couldn't contain it anymore. He burst out laughing while Sam face-palmed in the doorway.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam and Max got the girls to bed and got ready for bed themselves. The two of them were about to settle into their bunk beds when they heard the television come on.

"Is that the TV?" Sam asked. "Again?"

"I thought the priest exercised that demon out of it, Sam," Max said in annoyance.

"He did, but it looks like some creatures of hell will not take no for an answer. You know what to do, little buddy?"

Max put on his high priest hat, quickly blessed a cup of holy water, and said, "I am way ahead of you, Sam."

"You think you can handle it by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'm a priest. What could possibly go wrong? Besides, the obvious thing."

"I guess that's true. I'm going to sleep. Holler if you get possessed but try not to wake up the girls."

"I make no promises."

Max walked out of the door while Sam climbed into bed.

"I should have done this in the first place," Max said walking down the small hallway. "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself."

He entered the den and saw Samantha sitting on the couch watching the television. There was an old-fashioned alarm clock in front of her, a pillow next to her, and a purple blanket surrounding her. She was already wearing her new clothes for school, a black shirt with little white dogs on it and a green skirt. Sammy wrapped herself in her purple blanket, leaned back, and began to get comfortable when she saw Max.

"Hi, Daddy," she said. "Why are you wearing a jester hat?"

"Why aren't you in bed?" Max asked.

"I couldn't sleep so I do what I normally do to fall asleep. I watch TV on the couch."

"Your old parents never minded?"

"Well, they told me they didn't care as long as I didn't bother them."

"You sleep in your clothes?"

"Yeah, I set my alarm to go off before school starts so I know when to get ready in the bathroom. Having your clothes on just makes it easier."

"Well, the rest of us are trying to sleep, Choco."

"Okay," Sammy said picking up the remote and muting the TV. "I'll just read the subtitles."

"That's my girl," Max said before he turned around to go back to his room. "Be sure to be quiet, okay?"

"Okay," Samantha said. "Goodnight, Daddy!"

"Goodnight, sweetheart," Max said shutting the door to he and Sam's room.

"Did the demon take the form of a child?" Sam asked from his bed. "It sounded like Samantha."

"It _was_ Samantha," Max said putting his things away and climbing up to his bed on the top. "She was watching TV. Evidently, she watches TV to fall asleep when she can't sleep."

"Did you tell her to go back to bed?" Sam asked while Max got himself under the covers.

"No, she'll go to sleep on her own."

"Max, that's not responsible. You need to send her to bed or she won't get enough sleep to wake up for school."

"She's been fine the past several days. Sammy gets up more quickly than Maxine does. She's a morning person…"

"Because she's had enough sleep. If she doesn't get enough sleep, she could be more annoying than Maxine is."

Max bolted upright in bed, climbed down the ladder, and ran out the door without shutting it. Sam didn't mind, quite the opposite. He put his hands behind his head for support, smiled, and happily anticipated listening to the oncoming battle of wits.

Max entered the den and said, "Okay, squirt. Change of plans. You have to go back to bed."

"Why?" Samantha whined.

"You have to get sleep so you don't turn into a cranky pain in my keister when I wake you up in the morning for school," Max said while turning off the TV.

"I won't be cranky," Samantha whined while Max walked over and hoisted her under his right arm. "I promise."

"That's what they all say, kid," Max said as he walked towards Maxine and her room.

"No!" Choco yelled before she sank her teeth into Max's arm.

"OW!" Max screamed before he started waving his arm around. "Samantha, let go! Let go right now! Stop it!"

He thought of slamming his arm into the wall, but before he could, Sammy let go and ran back to the couch using the remote to turn the TV back on.

"What was that for?!" Max yelled.

"I don't want to go to bed right now," Sammy said. "I'll sleep after the show is over."

"No way, you're going to sleep right now," Max said turning off the TV.

Sammy simply turned on the television again like nothing happened. Max turned it off again and she turned it back on. Max turned it off and the same thing happened. The two of them kept turning the TV off and on out of stubbornness and a morbid desire to see who would give in first. This went on for over a minute.

Max gave up and said, "Come on. Why are you being so stubborn? Just turn off the damn TV and go to sleep already."

"No!" Samantha said.

In a moment of weakness, Max thought about asking Sam for help, but he quickly put the thought out of his mind. He had to prove that he was the superior parent. Max decided that since force wasn't working then he would pull a Sam and use boring verbal reasoning.

"Come on, Sammy!" Max said. "You can be a little hellion tomorrow morning, but you need to rest to have energy in order to do that…"

"I'm not tired," Choco said.

"I am," Max said. "Come on, kid. Please!"

"No, staring at the ceiling is boring. I can learn more from watching National Geographic. Just go to sleep. My old Mommy and Daddy didn't care if I stayed up late. It's okay."

"But they were bad parents. I'm trying to be a good parent."

"Then let me stay up as late as I want!"

"Nice try, Sammy, but your manipulation skills need work. You're going to bed."

"I don't want to."

"Okay, I'm done being nice. Get over here right now."

"No."

Max jumped over to where she was in frustration, but Sammy jumped out of the way. He did it again, but she jumped out of the way that time, too.

"How are you so agile?" Max asked while jumping.

"I'm small and young and you're big and old, duh!" Samantha yelled back.

The two chased each other around the room for a few more minutes. Max hoped that Sammy would tire out, but she never did.

Eventually, he gave up doing that too and sat down on the couch. Sammy sat down next to him. They were quiet while the program was going on and said nothing until the commercials came on. In the meantime, Max looked at her partly in frustration and partly in admiration.

"Where did you learn to run around and fight like that?" Max asked.

"I watched my old mommy and daddy whenever they fought people," Sammy said looking back at him. "The rest comes naturally. God put in my genes."

"That figures."

"Fighting isn't hard. Whenever a bad guy tries to beat me up and steal from me, I just jump on them and scratch and bite as much as I can. It's fun."

"It is fun," Max said while something suddenly occurred to him. "But I'm not a bad guy…to you anyway. You don't have to beat me up."

"I know," Sammy said. "I just really don't want to go to bed. I like being awake more. Besides, I'm not tired."

"Would you go to bed if I bribed you with candy later?"

"No, too much candy is bad for you."

"Would you go to bed if I bribed you with anything?"

"You could take me to the library in the city."

"I could take you there."

"Yay!"

"This weekend."

"Awww! What about tonight?"

"Are you kidding? Sam won't let me use the car."

"We could take the subway."

"Not at this time of night. Besides, it's not open."

"Awwww!"

"Go to bed and I'll take you later."

"But I'm still not tired."

"Try anyway."

"No!"

Max face-palmed. He thought he was making progress and now he was back to square one, but he came up with an idea.

"Alright, here's an idea," Max said pushing aside the coffee table. "How about we wrestle? If I win, you go to bed without any bribes. If you win, you can stay up as late as you want and go to the library. Okay?"

"Okay," Samantha said nervously. "But I don't wanna hurt you."

"No offense, but I don't think you will do that much damage to me, darlin'," Max said turning around ready to wrestle. "Let's get ready to rumble."

"Alrighty," Samantha said jumping into action.

Thirty minutes later…

Max came walking over to him and Sam's room. Sam was not asleep but was enjoying everything he was hearing.

"Sam?" Max asked. "Are you still awake? I need your help."

"Yes?" Sam asked. "Do you want me to intervene and show you how to parent your child?"

"No," Max said proudly holding up his right arm to show Samantha chewing on it. "Sammy and I are in a wrestling match that I have to win for her to go to bed, but she keeps cheating!"

"I…am…not…" Sammy said between chomps. "You're…being…a…sore…loser…"

"See what I mean?" Max said. "She's a little cheater."

"Max, wouldn't it be easier to just ask for help to send your little one to bed so that you can call it a night?" Sam asked while sitting up.

"No way," Max said. "I'm a superior parent and I'm going to win this fight. We need you to referee."

"Alright," Sam said getting out of bed and following the two of them into the den where Maxine was waiting on the couch.

"Hey, Daddy!" Maxine said.

"What are you doing up, Maxine?" Sam asked as he went to the kitchen and starting making some tea.

"I heard the fighting and came to cheer."

"I'm here to be the referee."

"Sweet! Don't be useless like the ones on TV."

"I'll try my best."

"Sam, what are you doing?" Max asked.

"I'm making tea for the victor," Sam said.

"Why?"

"You'll see."

Sam left the tea bags to soak into the water of the two cups while he walked back to the den.

Samantha let go of Max's arm and prepared to fight.

"Wait," Maxine said. "I'll ring them in. Get ready, get set, go!"

Samantha and Max launched themselves on each other and started their fight. She jumped onto his head and bit his ear. Max pulled her off by the ears and tried pinning her down on the floor, but Sammy scratched his face near the eyes and causing him to put up his arm in defense. Then she bit into that arm and he fell on top of her.

"You usually fight better than this, little pal," Sam said while Maxine came over and started hitting the floor. "You're holding back."

"I can't de-bowel my daughter," Max said pinning her down for two strikes before she wriggled out of his grip, climbed on his head, and started chewing on his face again. "See? She's totally cheating."

"You never did say how many strikes it took for someone to get out in this match, little pal," Sam said before Samantha broke into a wild frenzy where she climbed all over Max biting and scratching as she went. "Usually, it's three and she was only down for two."

"Whose side are you on, Sam?" Max asked while trying desperately to grab his daughter and pull her off him.

As a last resort, Max ran towards the wall and slammed into it to get her to let go. Sammy did, but Max fell backwards onto the floor and was too tired to get back up.

Maxine ran over, got on the floor, and started hitting it again saying, "One, two, three, you're out! Choco wins!"

Maxine held up her little buddy's arm as they both cheered loudly.

"Yay," Choco yelled. "Now, I stay up as late as I want and Daddy has to take me to the city library!"

The girls jumped on the couch to celebrate.

Sam walked over, knelt down next to Max who was still lying on the floor in exasperation, and said smugly, "Do you want my help putting your little girl to bed, little pal? It's almost midnight."

"Yes," Max said in humiliated desperation. "You were right. Parenting is difficult. I have no idea what I'm doing. Help me…please."

"I'm way ahead of you," Sam said pulling Max up off the floor. "Hey, girls! Would you like some tea to help you fall asleep?"

"Yeah!" Maxine said.

"Sure," Sammy said. "I've never had that kind of tea or any tea before."

Max watched in disbelief. The girls sat at the table while Sam gave them both cups of tea. They drank it down.

Then Choco yawned and said, "Thanks for the tea! It really works. I feel like going to bed now. Goodnight!"

"Yeah, goodnight!" Maxine said.

The look on Max's face was priceless as Choco and Maxine disappeared into their room and shut the door.

"How in the hell did you do that?" Max whispered to Sam.

"I use a special tea blend I bought at the store whenever I or Maxine have problems falling asleep," Sam said. "It's mostly chamomile with a little bit of melatonin."

Max collapsed on the floor again out of exhaustion and said, "I don't know how you do it, Sam. Sammy's so willful and stubborn when she wants something…"

"Just like you..."

"Yeah, I don't know if I can take it. She's going to drive me crazy. How do you keep this up?"

Just then, Sammy opened the door now wearing her green nightgown, walked over to the couch, grabbed her things that she left behind, walked over to Max and said, "Thanks for playing with me, Daddy! That was so much fun! Can we do it again?"

The joy and happiness behind her eyes melted Max's heart. He reached up to her with his right hand, rubbed her on the head, and said, "Of course, darlin'. Anytime. Sleep well, Sammy!"

"Goodnight!" Sammy said before running back to her room and shutting the door.

Max lay on the ground feeling his heart unexpectedly warmed.

Sam walked over and said, "That's how."


	7. Chapter 7

Sam and Max AU: Early Morning Parenting

Max passed out the moment Sam put him in his bed. His sleep was sweet until his kids decided to jump on top of him early in the morning.

"Wake up, Daddy," Sammy said loudly while Max pulled his pillow over his head and checked the time on his phone noticing it was about 2 am and Sam listened with a smile. "I'm going to make breakfast. Do you want anything? Maxine said…"

Max reached his right arm out and pulled Sammy onto the bed next to him. He gently held her down and hit the bed with his other hand three times.

"I win this time," Max said from under the pillow. "So we have to go back to sleep."

"That's not fair. I wasn't ready."

"When it comes to fighting, you always should be ready."

"But I'm all ready, Daddy," Sammy said. "I was going to make breakfast…"

"Shhhh…I'll eat in a little bit," Max said. "Just lie down, squirt, or you'll be sleepy later."

"You mean we're taking a nap?"

"Yes, Samantha. We're taking a little nap until everyone else feels like waking up. Okay?"

"But Maxine is waiting."

Sam got up and walked into the other room to get his daughter to go back to bed.

"She won't be for long," Max said. "Go back to sleep, kiddo."

Samantha shut her eyes and turned on her side, Max pulled the covers over her body, and the two of them went back to sleep.

After about a minute, Sammy turned back around and said, "Daddy, I had a bad dream last night. I had to sleep in Maxine's bed to feel better. It's why I'm awake right now."

"I'm sorry," Max said hoping that she wouldn't say anything else and go back to sleep.

"In the dream, my old mommy and daddy were fighting and they used guns," Sammy said as Sam returned to the room and slipped back into bed.

"Fun."

"No, it wasn't fun at all. It was scary. They were shooting each other but they weren't dying. I was watching and couldn't do anything. I was so scared. Then they decided to work together and shot me. After that, I woke up and I screamed."

"I'm sorry you had a bad dream, but it was just in your head. Alright? It wasn't real. You can go back to sleep and forget about it."

Sammy was silent for a moment and said, "You wouldn't ever shoot me. Would you?"

Max finally turned over and looked at her in the eyes.

"Maxine told me you and Sam have killed people," she said. "What if one day…?"

"Stop right there," Max said. "Sam and I have killed people but they were bad so they needed to die. I will never hurt Maxine or you because you two are not bad guys, especially not you. You are a sweet little girl who's probably going to make a difference in the world someday. Sam and I do what we do to make the world better for people like you. I promise I will never hurt you or Maxine."

"What about Sam?"

"Sometimes, he deserves it, but I would never let anything happen to him either. Sam is the best friend I've ever had. Everything good that's happened in my life is because of him. Without him, my life would have no purpose. Look, point is you're going to be okay. I will never do what your other parents did. Now, go back to sleep. Alright?"

Sammy smiled and said, "Okay, Daddy! Do I have to leave now? I'm still kinda scared."

"Not if you don't want to," Max said. "I'm not leaving this bed yet."

"Okay," Samantha said moving closer until she was against Max's body. "Goodnight. Thank you."

"No problem, squirt," Max said holding her in a gentle hug.

After some time had passed, Sam asked, "Is she asleep?"

"Yeah," Max replied rubbing her head while he did so.

"No matter how you paint it, little pal, what you told her was a load of crap. We're not total heroes. We're bad and reckless people, too. We do it for justice, but that doesn't mean God doesn't have it in for us. Someday, I hope Maxine will understand, but in the meantime, I am not gonna lie to her. You can't lie to Samantha either."

"I'm not lying to her, Sam. I meant everything I said. I never said we were total heroes. I said we killed people who deserved it to make the world a better place for people like her and Maxine. That's all. I intend to keep that promise."

"Am I sensing a redemption arc coming, Max?"

"Quite possibly, but I did lie about one thing."

"What?"

"I might let something bad happen to you if you keep questioning my parenting."

"You crack me up, little buddy."


	8. Chapter 8

Sam and Max AU: Calm Before the Storm

Author's Note: Just so you know, I accidentally added chapter five twice skipping chapter six unintentionally as a result. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I have uploaded chapter six in its proper place since it was not uploaded correctly the first time. Please go back and read it. In my opinion, it's the funniest chapter I have written so far and shows Max failing in parenting in a hilariously epic way.

"Oh, my God! Mama, he reproduced!" Bosco yelled from across the counter as he looked down in horror at Max and the little brown rabbit girl who was sitting on his shoulders.

The whole family was out that Monday and decided to stop at Bosco's convenience store / lab to get some snacks. Sam was picking food out while Maxine was waiting next to Max in annoyance.

"Hi," Sammy said cheerily looking around in curious excitement while standing up on Max's shoulders. "I'm Samantha. Why are there cameras everywhere?"

"He has what I call pentaphobia," Max said.

"That's not even real," Sammy replied.

"Lucy said it was real."

"Mama!" Bosco yelled screaming even louder much to Max's joy.

"Bosco, what the hell are you…?" Mama Bosco yelled while walking back in through a doorthat led to the lab in her 1960's clad corporeal form and seeing Samantha. "Well…what do we have here? Aren't you cute? Where did you come from, pretty girl? You didn't screw some poor girl over. Did you, Max?"

"No…" Max started to say.

"I used to be his cousin," Sammy interrupted now standing on the tips of her toes.

The expression on their faces went blank before Max said, "It's not what you think. She's adopted."

"Oh," both Boscos said in relief.

"Yeah, my name's Samantha and I moved in last week," Sammy said as her eyes fell on the security monitors behind Bosco while climbing on top of Max's head. "What is that?"

In response, Max tilted his head downwards causing Samantha to fall forward. He grabbed her feet before she went too far and he turned her around so that she was facing outwards at the store instead of at him.

"Hey!" Sammy yelled while laughing and enjoying the upside-down view.

"I told you not to climb on my head, kiddo," Max said.

"Put me down."

"Try to pull yourself up and I'll think about it."

"Max, don't tease her like that," Mama Bosco said. "She's too little for that. Put her down."

"She's little, but I wouldn't underestimate her," Max said while Sammy struggled to pull herself up. "She's feistier than she appears."

"Don't worry, Choco," Maxine said running up to her and wrapping her arms around her torso. "I'll get you down."

Max let Maxine pull Samantha out of his grip and put her on the floor.

"Stop hogging Choco, Uncle Max," Maxine said walking away and pulling Sammy behind her. "Leave her alone."

The two of them walked to the counter where the drinks were to see what else they could find.

"Looks like someone's jealous," Mama Bosco said while Maxine was showing Sammy the undrinkable coffee at the end of the counter.

"Don't touch anything unless you want to be sick for the rest of your life," Max yelled at Sammy.

"Okay," Sammy said while Maxine held her up so she could get a better look.

"He's right, Choco," Maxine said. "That stuff is too gross to drink."

"Then why is it in a coffee pot?" Sammy asked pulling it out of the coffee maker to get a closer look.

"Maxine's as possessive of Sammy as I am of Sam," Max said as Sammy climbed on top of the counter and helped Maxine climb up with her. "Since as her adopted daddy I've been trying to show Sammy more attention, Maxine thinks I'm trying to steal her best friend from her. Isn't that adorable?"

"How did you of all people get custody of a child, fool?" Bosco asked. "Are you her last living relative or something?"

"I wish," Max said while in the background Maxine and Sammy were putting stirring sticks into the coffee and watching them disintegrate.

"Let's just say her parents are horribly irresponsible and neglectful scoundrels who have no business raising a child," Sam said carrying all the snacks to the counter. "We took her to see the Geek today and she said that she was underweight. Her parents couldn't be bothered to even feed her."

"She's not right in the head either," Max said while Bosco rang up the items. "Sammy has nightmares. We think it has something to do with witnessing domestic violence with all the fun parts cut out."

"Poor little dear," Mama Bosco said as she looked at Sammy who was dipping a napkin into the coffee pot to see if it would do the same thing as the stirring sticks. "Wait, the Geek's back in town? Hot damn! Why didn't she tell me?"

"She only returned from her convention this morning," Max replied. "She told us to tell you to call her as soon as you could. Something about receiving funding or something like that, I wasn't paying attention."

"Hell yeah!" Mama Bosco said. "I knew my girl would deliver. She always does."

"Mama, what are you talking about?" Bosco asked. "What are you working on behind my back?"

"I can't tell you, son," Mama Bosco replied. "It's still in development but I'll let you know if we need another lab partner. Let's just say we're trying to build a better acid."

"But you have already made a better acid," Samantha said as they watched yet another hapless stirring stick melt into the coffee. "This coffee has turned into an acid. It's not safe for human consumption."

"Duh," Maxine said.

"Girls, I told you not to climb on things," Sam said in frustration as he walked over and picked them both up while Mama Bosco walked over and looked at the coffee pot. "I'm sorry…"

"For what?" Mama Bosco asked. "She's right. This coffee has become acidic. The Geek and I can use this in our research. That's amazing! You're a genius, Samantha."

"Thank you," Sammy said from under Sam's arm.

"Yeah, she's smarter than anyone in my class," Maxine said. "She's like Einstein."

"Max, can I adopt her?" Mama Bosco asked.

"What?" Max asked incredulously.

"Mama!" Bosco yelled while Sam put the girls down and picked up the bagged snacks.

"She's brilliant," Mama Bosco said. "We can trade. If you give me her, I'll give you Bosco."

"Are you kidding?" Max said picking Samantha up. "You see how cute and adorable this little girl is. You really think I'd trade this for Bosco?"

"How could you betray me, Mama?" Bosco asked his mother.

"Aw, honey," Mama Bosco said. "You know I'm just kidding."

She then turned to Sammy and noticed that her eyes were frozen in terror as if she was remembering something horrible.

"Samantha, honey?" Mama Bosco asked. "What's the matter, sugar?"

"What's going on, fool?" Bosco asked.

Max turned her around and saw the look of fear in her eyes. She was staring blankly like she was having a vision. Sam knelt and looked at her in bewilderment.

"Choco?" Maxine asked fearfully. "Choco? Daddy, Uncle Max, what's wrong with Choco? Why is she staring like that?"

"Samantha?" Sam asked while Max tried to shake her back to reality. "Samantha, are you in there?"

"Sammy," Max said. "Sammy, what's going on? What's happening? Sammy?"

"Don't do it," Sammy suddenly whispered. "Please."

"What?" Max asked.

"Please stop it," Sammy said quietly as if in a trance. "Please don't do that. I don't wanna go. Please stop. Please stop. Please stop."

"Stop what, Choco?" Maxine asked holding her paw while she kept saying the same words repeatedly. "You mean the 'trading you' thing? That was a joke. She didn't mean that."

"What?" Sammy said snapping back to reality.

"She was kidding, Choco," Maxine replied while reaching in her Dad's bag for one of the snacks. "We would never trade you away. You're my best buddy. You wanna eat these dried mangoes with me?"

"Yeah, those are my favorites," Sammy replied happily slipping out of her father's arms and following her to a spot next to the door.

"What in the hell was that?" Sam asked quietly.

"I don't know, but it looks serious," Mama Bosco said. "She needs a psychiatrist to look at her before she gets worse."

"That's why we're taking her to see Sybil," Max said looking at Sammy with Maxine. "We'll see what she says, but if that doesn't work, I may have to use her college money early."


	9. Chapter 9

Sam and Max AU: Discount Therapy

"Are you two done eating yet?" Sam asked while they walked down the street to Sybil's new business where she was now working as a general academic advisor for anyone regardless of whether they attended college or not. "You're eating slower than a fly on a pile of pre-processed garbage."

"We're enjoying our food slowly, Daddy," Maxine said before stuffing more dried mangoes into her mouth.

"Like the French do," Sammy said before doing the same thing. "So, we can enjoy it longer."

"Sammy, girl, what're you talking about?" Max said while picking Sammy up and putting her on his shoulders again much to Maxine's chagrin before he grabbed the dried mango bag. "You are an American. Here, you stuff yourself with as much food as you can before your stomach has time to process it, especially when you're underweight like you are. Come on. See how much food you can stuff in your face before we get to Sybil's."

Max then ran as fast as he could with her on his back at high speed. Samantha was laughing out loud, but Maxine was annoyed.

"He's doing it again, Daddy," Maxine said before swallowing her food. "He's stealing Choco."

Sam stopped in his tracks and said, "He's not trying to steal her, Maxine. He's trying to give her attention and be a good daddy. She was your friend first, but now, she needs us all to be her friends. That's why I need you to help us help Sammy."

"Is Choco in trouble?" Maxine asked while Sam bent over and picked her up so they were at eye-level.

"You might say that," Sam said slowly continuing his walk to Sybil's and wondering inside how he was going to go about talking about this topic. "We think her old mommy and daddy did something bad to her that is messing up her mind."

"You mean like how mommy's mind is messed up or how Uncle Max's mind is messed up?"

"Sort of, but Sammy's mind is messed up in a way that's hurting her worse than them. We need to help her."

"How?"

"Sybil used to be a psychotherapist. That is someone who helps people with these types of problems, but first, I need to know if Choco has told you anything about her mommy and daddy besides the fact that they're mean. If we know something, we can help her better. I know you've only been best friends for about a week, but has she said anything about her old family that caught your attention?"

"Well…"

Max ran as quickly as he could to Sybil's so that Sam could have his alone time with Maxine. He made a mental note to spend more time with his goddaughter when all this was over since most of his time had been dedicated to Sammy.

Sammy wasn't eating but lifting her arms out like she was flying and laughing out loud. She enjoyed these moments with her new Daddy. She enjoyed being a part of this family. With them, she was happier than she had ever been in her short life.

Max slowed down just as the pair reached Sybil's door. It was a large studio in a white building that Max was pretty sure used to be a fire station.

"We're here, Sammy," Max said as Sammy looked behind her and noticed that Sam and Maxine weren't right behind them. "This is where Sybil works."

"Where are Sam and Maxine?" Sammy asked.

"Sam doesn't like running," Max said. "So, they'll be here in a minute. But in the meantime, we're going to check out Sybil's place."

"Is Sybil a fire fighter?" Sammy asked as Max walked closer to the door.

"Oh, no…" Max started to say before he was interrupted.

"Is she a ghostbuster?!" Sammy asked excitedly.

"No," Max said. "But I'm impressed you've seen that movie. I don't think Maxine has even seen it yet."

"Can we watch it again?!" Sammy asked jumping up and down on his shoulders.

Max tilted his head downwards and allowed Sammy to fall forwards once again before he caught her feet in his hands and said, "We might if you stop jumping on my neck. Hey! You haven't finished your snack yet."

"I was laughing, Daddy," Sammy said happily as she admired the world upside down and held her bag in her hands. "If I tried to eat, I would have choked."

"Well, hop to it, girlie," Max said putting her right-side up again. "No pun intended. The Geek said you needed to gain 3 pounds, so get eating."

"But I'm tired of eating so much. I'm not used to not being hungry."

"Sammy, don't you want to get bigger and stronger just like your Daddy?"

"Yeah…"

"Then, you should eat your food. Come on. Sybil's waiting for us. Let's go, Sammy."

"Shouldn't we wait for Sam and Maxine?" Sammy asked while Max grabbed her right hand and pulled her behind him as he opened the door.

"They're on their way, Sammy," Max said as the two entered the door into Sybil's studio. "They'll be here soon."

They entered the firehouse and saw paper all over the floor. Sybil was sitting at her desk while her son Abraham Junior, now seven years old, was making rocks float with his mind. He looked a lot like his father did when he was a child except for the fact that he had a full body. He was wearing a white t-shirt with black shorts and no shoes.

"Hey, guys!" Sybil yelled. "Long time. No see."

"Hello," Samantha said loudly.

"Sammy, meet Sybil and her son Abraham Junior," Max said. "We've been friends since before you were born. If we stay a while, we might get to see her husband, Abraham Lincoln's Head."

"What?" Sammy asked in confusion.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Sammy," Sybil said. "Max has told me so much about you. Don't be shy, Abe. Say hello."

Abraham Junior saw Max and Sammy and used a large rock he was standing on to rise into the air and fly himself over to they were.

"Hello, my fellow countrymen," Abraham Junior said flying around them. "What is up with you? Is that the crazy one?"

"Daddy, that boy is possessed," Sammy said fearfully running away and trying to pull Max behind her. "That lady's a witch. We have to get out of here and find a priest."

"It's alright, darlin'," Max said picking her up again. "He's not possessed. He just was born with the power to earthbend."

"So, his powers come from God and the lion turtles?" Sammy responded while her eyes followed Abraham Junior's movements.

"Exactly, my little reference getter," Max said rubbing her head quickly in response. "You make Daddy so proud."

"Max, we have to call it terrakinesis or Brian and Matt might sue us," Sybil chided.

"Those two bozos aren't going to see this fan fic," Max said walking over to the desk. "They're too busy counting the money they've earned from their franchise. We'll be fine."

"Abraham Wallace Lincoln, Jr," Sybil said angrily. "I told you not to use terrakinesis inside. You know better."

"But mother, I am only jesting about," Abraham Junior started to say. "I will not break anything."

"Keep this attitude up and you'll be grounded, mister. I will also tell your father."

"Fine! You do not need to tell father or ground me. I'll behave."

Abraham Junior stopped his terrakinesis and landed on the ground. He sulked while he walked back over to the paints he was preparing for the paper on the floor.

"That's more like it," Sybil said turning her attention back to Samantha and Max. "I apologize. I hope your little girl isn't scarred for life. Please have a seat."

"It's too late for that," Max replied carrying Sammy over. "Don't worry about it. Sammy's gifted, too."

"Yes, you mentioned that on the phone," Sybil said as Max put her down. "She has a genius IQ. Right?"

"Don't you want a seat, Daddy?" Sammy asked curiously.

"Yeah, she's too smart for her own good," Max said to Sybil and then turning to Sammy said, "I'm fine, darlin'. I don't like sitting still for long periods of time."

Max reached down and opened the bag of dried mangoes Sammy was holding and handed it back to her.

"Sit and talk to Sybil while you eat your snack, Sammy," Max said. "I'm going to find out what's taking Sam and Maxine so long."

"You're coming back, right?" Sammy said anxiously standing up in her chair.

"Of course, baby," Max said rubbing her head affectionately. "I'm just going to find them and come right back. It won't take long. I promise."

"Okay," Sammy said nervously sinking back into her chair.

"Sammy, do you want to play a game?" Sybil quickly interjected to calm her down.

"What kind of game?" Sammy asked excitedly as Max walked to the door.

"I'm going to show you some things and you will tell me what you see. Alright?"

"Ooh! Is this like Rorschach Ink Blot test that tells you what kind of things are in your mind?"

Sybil was taken aback and said, "Um, yes, that is exactly what it is. How do you know about that?"

"I told you," Max said walking out the door. "She's too smart for her own good. Be careful. See you in a minute, Sammy."

"You know what the game is," Sybil said. "Do you still wanna play?"

"Yeah, I can get to know more about what's in my mind," Sammy said picking up a dried mango and stuffing it into her mouth. "It'll be fun and informative."

"She used to use it to determine how crazy people were," Abraham Junior said in his bratty tone.

"Young man, go upstairs now," Sybil said pulling out her cards.

"But, Mom!" Abraham Junior yelled.

"Stay there until you decide you want to be nice!" Sybil yelled. "Now!"

Abraham Junior sulked as he stomped his way upstairs accidentally leaving a few cracks in the floor along the way.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Sammy asked when Abraham Junior finally left.

"Of course not," Sybil said pulling out the first card. "Now, let's get on with the game."

"You're not sending me to a psycho ward! Are you? I'm not crazy!"

"No, Sammy. It's okay. No one is going to a psycho ward. It's just a game I want to play. Alright? Now, what do you see?"

"It looks like a moth that someone pressed a branding iron into," Sammy said nervously while eating another mango.

"Okay," Sybil said surprised at how descriptive that was. "How about this one?"

"That looks like two machine guns are holding a heart like they're celebrating Valentine's Day."

"Alrighty. And this one?"

"Aren't you going to do one?"

"It's your turn first."

"Okay, it looks like two friends are celebrating while holding a nuclear bomb."

Sybil was silent and flipped over to the next card.

"That looks like bunny turned into a vampire with bat wings. His fangs are dripping with the blood from his last victim."

She flipped it again.

"That one looks like a snowflake someone stepped on."

Sybil flipped the cards again.

"Those are two anorexic elephants standing on their hindlegs like they're begging for food."

Sybil started noticing a pattern.

"The brain scan of someone who's mentally ill."

"A beetle with really big pincers."

"The Grim Reaper about to take his tiny victim to wherever God sends him."

Sybil stood there quietly in shock at what she had heard this child say.

"Sybil?" Samantha asked. "Are you alright?"

"We're back," Max said from across the room as he entered with Sam and Maxine.

"Choco!" Maxine yelled.

"Maxine!" Sammy yelled running across the room to give her friend a hug. "I missed you!"

"I missed you, too!" Maxine yelled doing the same thing. "Let's never be apart again."

"Isn't it uncanny, Max?" Sam said while Maxine picked up her little buddy and swung her around as fast as she could. "They get separation anxiety just like we do whenever we're apart for an extended amount of time."

"They have our same psychosis," Max said tearing up a little. "It's so beautiful."

"Did you just say 'psychosis?'

"I guess I did. Looking up all those internet articles on child psychology must really be messing with my brain."

"Speaking of which," Sybil said. "Hey, girls! Do you want to paint on the paper on the floor with the paintbrushes?"

"Don't you want to use the paper to clean up the blood when you kill people?" Sammy asked letting go of Maxine.

Sybil froze in terror and sat speechless.

"It's not that kind of paper, silly," Maxine said walking past her little buddy, grabbing a few paintbrushes, and dipping them in water. "You paint on this paper."

"She's right," Sybil said clearly freaked out. "I don't kill people…"

"Yay, that means it's okay to like you now," Sammy said cheerily. "I liked you before but I was afraid you were a murderer and that I'd have to claw your eyes out to escape."

Sybil laughed nervously.

"Alright, Sammy," Sam said nudging Samantha towards the paint. "Why don't you play with Maxine while we talk to Sybil?"

"Yeah, I love paint!" Sammy said running over to where Maxine was opening the paint cans.

Once they were both out of earshot, Sam asked, "Have you figured out what's wrong with the psychology of my new goddaughter?"

Sybil said, "Well, her case is the most interesting one I've seen since I quit being a full-time psychotherapist. Samantha is unusually bright but she seems to be more than a little…disturbed. The Rorschach ink blot tests were described overwhelmingly violently. Samantha has seen a lot of violence in her home."

"That would explain the nightmares," Max said. "Violence is par for the course for my family, but that's not all that's wrong with her."

"There have been new developments…" Sam began.

Back on the floor, Maxine was dipping six different paintbrushes in six assorted colors.

"What are you doing, Maxine?" Samantha asked looking up from her painting of a sun.

"I found a faster way to make a rainbow," Maxine said. "You want to see, Choco?"

"Yeah!"

"Watch this."

Maxine took the paintbrushes, held them in one hand, and used them to paint a rainbow with seven colors at once.

"Wow!" Sammy said. "That's so cool. Can I try?"

"Yeah," Maxine said dipping the paintbrushes in paint again.

"Did you know that the rainbow is a sign of God's promise to the world to never flood the earth again like he did in the beginning as a punishment for man's wickedness?" Samantha said. "It's also used by the LGBTQ movement as a symbol for pride."

"No, I did not know that," Maxine said handing her the paintbrushes. "Did you know that leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of rainbows?"

"No way!" Samantha said in excitement. "That is so cool!"

"Hey! Let's make two big rainbows and paint a leprechaun at the end," Maxine said getting more paintbrushes for herself.

"Can I paint selkies under the rainbow?"

"You can paint whatever you want. We have tons of room."

"Yay! Do you think selkies and leprechauns live in the same place?"

"I don't know."

"If they do, we would only have to go to one country to see both. We could get gold and turn into selkies."

"Or we could get gold right here. If painted rainbows count, then the leprechaun would appear and we could wish to go to Scotland whenever we wanted."

"Good idea!"

The two girls set to work painting the biggest rainbow they possibly could.

Meanwhile, Sam finished talking.

"Wait, so you're saying that you were out all that time and couldn't get Maxine to say anything?" Max asked.

"Nope," Sam said. "I bribed her with everything I could think of and she wouldn't say a word."

"What has Maxine so tight-lipped?" Sybil asked. "She's usually not one to hide things from people."

"Oh, no," Max said fearfully in realization. "She pinky swore. Didn't she?"

"I'm afraid she did," Sam said solemnly.

"Damn it!" Max cried. "The ultimate sign of loyalty! We are powerless."

"Have you two ever considered that she might just be stressed out because she's in a new environment?" Sybil said. "I mean in one week she's made a new friend, met her long-lost cousin, moved away from her dysfunctional parents, moved in with her new friend and her father who's still reeling from his divorce mind you, and been adopted by this cousin whom she only just met less than a week ago."

They were both silent for a second before Sam said, "Well, when you put it that way…"

"Children need stability," Sybil said. "They need to have predictability and time to adjust to new environments. Samantha has clearly been in an insane environment for a long time and is still not sure what to expect from you guys. She's happier but she's still scared. Samantha just needs you two to be there for her so she can know that she'll be alright. Maybe, Maxine is only keeping secrets because Samantha thinks you'll throw her away like her other parents did if she doesn't make you happy."

"That sounds simple enough," Max said. "I expected it to be something much worse like schizophrenia or autism or obsessive-compulsive disorder…"

"Are you saying big words you found on the internet to make yourself sound more knowledgeable, little pal?" Sam asked.

"Maybe, but those websites were not helpful at all. The conclusion to all of them was that if I messed up in any way I could and would scar my kid for the rest of her life."

"Yeah," Sybil said. "You can talk to experts, but mostly, you have to figure it out for yourself. At least, Abe and I have had to do that with Abraham…"

"Oh, yeah," Max said excitedly. "Where is that little earthbending prodigy? I wanted to see if he could bend my luger."

"You know you're paying to fix that right?" Sam asked. "I'm not fixing it for you again."

"I'd get him to fix it back, Sam," Max retorted. "I just wanted to see if the little brat could do it and if he could bend bullets."

"I sent the _little brat_ upstairs," Sybil said in annoyance. "He was scaring Samantha."

"How so?" Sam asked.

"He was calling her crazy," Sybil said. "Then when he left, Sammy begged me not to send her to an insane asylum. She was terrified."

"Did she make the creepy stare like she was having a vision?" Max asked.

"Now, that you mention it," Sybil said in remembrance. "Yes, she was. She really thought she was going to have to go to one. I don't know how she got that in her head though. I never said a word about it."

"I have my suspicions," Max said unexpectedly. "Look, maybe it's nothing and we can forget about it, but I have to know if there's something haunting her little hyperintelligent mind. I don't want her to be scared anymore. I'm her Daddy now. I'm supposed to make all the scary things disappear. Right?"

"You're becoming a more tender-hearted character, little pal," Sam said.

"Damn it, Sam! Don't spoil my character arc," Max said.

"What's there to spoil?" Sam asked. "You could see it coming from a mile away."

"Anyways, what are you going to do, Max?" Sybil asked.

"I'm going to ask her about it," Max said walking over to where Samantha was painting a pot of gold. "Directly!"

Sam and Sybil watched nervously.

"What'cha doing there, Sammy?" Max asked.

Intent on her work, Samantha said without looking up, "We're trying to attract leprechauns with this pot of gold. If we catch one, he can make the money real and we can go to Scotland!"

"Sounds fun," Max said nervously. "Sammy, there's something I need to ask you about."

"What?"

"Why are you so scared of being sent away? Did your old parents do something to you?"

Sammy froze before she said, "I can't tell you."

"Why not?" Max asked.

"Something bad will happen to Choco if she does," Maxine said in defense of her friend stopping her work on the selkies under the rainbows. "She can't tell anyone else, especially not if they're grown-ups."

"Who will do something bad to you?" Max asked. "Your parents? Did they say they would send you to an insane asylum if you told their secret?"

"How did you know?" Sammy asked dropping her brush.

"It's the same bull crap my parents said to me," Max said. "But I didn't listen and here I am, not in an insane asylum. They just said that to scare you, kiddo. You have nothing to worry about."

"Okay," Sammy said nervously. "If you say so…"

"Now, what's your secret?" Max asked eagerly. "I really want to know."

"Well, my old mommy and daddy had a guy come over to buy the medicine they sell," Samantha said using her black painting to tell the story as everyone gathered around. "This was back when we lived in the apartment. I was playing in the den and they were over here talking to the man. They talked for a while and I was playing on the tablet so I didn't listen. Then suddenly the man came over and picked me up. He smelled like the drinks my parents made. He handed them money and they told me that I was living with him now! I cried and yelled but they wouldn't listen to me and told me to shut up and behave because the guy wanted to play with me. The fat guy carried me out the door and back to his room. His room was messier than mommy and daddy's was. There were empty medicine bottles everywhere. He carried me to his room and started taking off his pants. I told him to stop because it was weird but he didn't listen and took his pants completely off. He started taking off his underwear but I had enough. I jumped on his face and scratched and clawed everywhere. He started yelling and fell so I ran out of the room and out the door back to where my old mommy and daddy were. They asked me why I left and I told them what happened. My old mommy got really mad and started yelling at my daddy. Then my daddy looked at me and said that if anyone ever found out about what happened then I would be sent to an insane asylum where all the crazy people were and never be loved again…"

Sammy's eyes were tearing up by this point and falling like raindrops over her paintings. Sam, Max, and Sybil's eyes were as large as saucers. They could hardly believe what they just heard or what almost happened. Maxine, of course, was not phased.

"It's okay, Choco," Maxine said. "They were just bad guys who were being mean, but you don't have to deal with them anymore. They were wrong. We believe you and we know you're not crazy."

Sammy continued to break down and said, "Mommy and daddy started fighting with guns! My mommy and my daddy were shooting at each other and then the man came back and stole back his money! Mommy and daddy were so mad they started shooting at me and were mad that I beat up the guy! They started shooting at me so I grabbed the tablet and ran all the way to the library! Betsy helped me feel better but I was still scared and I still am! Why did they hate me?! The guy was being gross! Why do they not want me anymore?! What did I do wrong?!"

Max had heard enough. He pulled out his luger, got up and started walking out before Sam grabbed his arm.

"Where are you going?" Sam asked quietly.

"Someone needs to die, Sam," Max said uncharacteristically angrily. "I should have intervened sooner but I didn't so I have to make up for it now."

"You can do that later," Sam said looking at Sammy who was still crying while Maxine was trying to make her feel better. "Right now, you need to be there for her."

"Sam's right, Max," Sybil suddenly said. "Sammy needs her daddy to chase all the bad things away. She's scared."

Max nodded his head to show that he agreed. He put his luger away, walked back over to his crying child, sat down, picked her up, and put her in his lap while she cried against him. He started humming a lullaby that he made up on the spot and eventually Sammy started to calm down.

He rubbed her little brown head and said, "There's nothing wrong with you, darlin'. You may be crazy but you're the good kind of crazy, like I am. Your parents are just a couple of mofos who could never understand what a wonderful thing they had, like people who don't appreciate their weapons. Now, they've lost you forever and we are never going to let them harm you again. You don't have to worry. Selling you to that guy was illegal and unforgivable. They're going to face hell's wrath very soon."

Samantha stopped crying and said, "But I don't want them to go to hell."

"What?"

"In the Bible, Jesus says to forgive your enemies and be good to those who hate you or you'll be filled with snake's poison and get bitter. You have to leave revenge up to God so you don't attract bad karma. Besides, God likes redeeming people and so one day he might redeem them and they'll be nice to me and we can all go to heaven and be happy."

"Sammy…"

Maxine suddenly said, "You want to paint some more, Sammy?"

"Yeah," Sammy said getting back on the ground and working on the cauldron some more.

Max wasn't satisfied so he asked, "Do you not want anything bad to happen to your former parents at all?"

"No, I do wish something bad would happen to them," Sammy said.

"Like spontaneous combustion," Maxine said happily working on the selkies again.

"Now, we're talkin'," Max said while Sybil went to look for her scissors to collect the paper Sammy had drawn her story on as evidence for Sam.

"No, I want them to feel bad for being mean to me," Sammy said. "I don't want them to die but I want them to hurt very, very bad. I'll pray to God to make that happen. I know it will. I asked him to give me people who loved me and he did, so I know he'll do this, too. I just have to wait."

Then Sammy spotted the selkies Maxine was painting, ran over, and said, "Maxine, you're doing it wrong. Let me help."

Max walked away back to Sybil's desk where Sam was and said quietly, "You won't have to wait too long, sweetheart."


	10. Chapter 10

Sam and Max AU: Prelude to Their Nightmare

"Daddy, do you really have to go?" Samantha asked from her bed which was next to Maxine's.

"Sorry, kiddo," Max said walking over and sitting next to his little girl while Sam came in and did the same thing. "There's something me and Sam have to take care of, but don't you worry. After tonight, we will have fewer problems."

"What are you guys doing anyway?" Maxine asked.

"That is classified, my dear," Sam said.

"Why?" Sammy asked.

"That is classified, too," Sam said. "But if everything goes according to plan, your daddy and I will tell you the brief version of what went down."

"With all the good stuff redacted I bet," Sammy said crossing her arms.

"What does that mean, Choco?" Maxine asked.

"That means there are things they still won't tell us," Sammy replied.

"That's not fair."

"No, it isn't. We're not babies."

"You two really are too smart for your own good," Sam said. "Look, we can't tell you because we don't want you to get hurt. How about that? Is that an acceptable reason?"

"I suppose," Sammy said.

"But you have to tell us everything when we're older," Maxine said. "And spare no details."

"Good Lord, you're sassier than we are," Max said as he walked in between their beds and scooped both girls into side hugs. "You two make me so proud. Oh, before I forget, there's something I got for you. Well, mostly for Sammy…"

Max pulled out a large book from his hiding spot. It was a volume of classic children's stories.

"What's this?" Sammy asked reading the title in disappointment while Max dropped it on her lap. "I don't like children's stories, Daddy. They're so babyish."

"These ain't normal children stories, darlin'," Max said opening the book up. "Most kids' stories nowadays are for pussies who want to be as inoffensive as possible. Way back when, people didn't care about that. They just wanted to write a good story that kids and adults could enjoy with all the offensiveness their hearts desired. Check this one out."

Sammy looked in, read, and said, "Tom Sawyer? No way! They use the N word, Daddy!"

"I told ya," Max said.

"I wanna see," Maxine said climbing over.

"Na ah," Sam said pulling his daughter back into her bed. "You two can read it later. You have school in the morning and we have to get to work. Go to sleep, ladies."

"Fine," Sammy said yawning while she moved the book over to the side.

"Give me a hug, Maxine," Sam said opening up his arms. "We're heading out."

"I love you, Daddy," Maxine said as she stood up and hugged him. "Be careful and don't let anything bad happen to Uncle Max."

"Don't worry about it," Sam said wrapping her tightly next to his heart. "We'll be fine. I love you, too. Be good for Sybil. Alright?"

"Alright, squirt," Max said opening his arms up, too. "You're turn. Time to be parental."

Sammy stood up, but instead of giving her daddy a hug, she started praying out loud, "O Almighty God, whose great power and eternal wisdom embraces the universe…"

"Just a hug would be fine," Max said. "You don't have to…"

"Watch over all policeman and law enforcement officers everywhere…"

"Are you Catholic now? What gives?"

"Protect them from harm in the performance of their duty to stop crime, robbery, riots and violence…"

"You are going to keep this up all night? Aren't you?"

"We pray, help them keep our streets and homes safe, day and night."

"I appreciate the help, but cut it out, squirt."

"We commend them to your loving care because their duty is dangerous."

Max froze at the words and didn't interrupt her again.

"Grant them strength and courage in their daily assignments. Dear God, protect these brave men. Grant them your almighty protection. Unite them safely with their families after duty has ended."

Sammy made the sign of the cross over Max and said, "Please, God, grant us this wish. There, now, you'll be safe."

Max smiled, teared up a little unintentionally, and wrapped his daughter in a warm hug.

"You're too good for this world, Sammy," Max said. "I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy," Sammy said. "I asked God to protect you, so you should be safe but you could still mess up everything by being stupid. Don't be stupid. Alright."

"I don't have to worry about that, sweetheart. That's why I have Sam."

"It's funny because it's true," Sam said as Max finally let go of his little girl. "Goodnight, ladies! Remember. Listen to Sybil, and if anything goes wrong, you know where the weapons storage closet is."

"Goodnight!" both girls said at once before turning over to sleep in their beds.

Max shut the door behind him while Sam went over to talk to Sybil.

"Thanks again for doing this, Sybil!" Sam said. "The girls are asleep now, so all you have to do is make sure no one in his right mind or otherwise comes near them."

"No problem," Sybil said quietly. "I just don't want you two to have to worry about anything while catching those monsters who tried to sell Sammy. Be sure you give them what they deserve."

"I never would have pegged you as the violently vengeful type," Sam replied.

"I like it," Max said looking at the girls' door in preparation.

"You change when you become a parent," Sybil explained. "You think you're peaceful and calm, but the moment someone tries to hurt your child all that goes out the window and you're filled with absolute rage. I can't understand how those people could do what they did to their own child."

"I know what you mean, Sybil," Sam replied. "I flew into a blind rage when someone stole Max's brain. I can't imagine what I would do if anyone hurt Maxine."

"Imagine it, Sam," Max said turning around and walking over in uncharacteristic anger and happiness.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Imagine the worst possible things you would do to them. That is what we're going to do to those bastards I call cousins. We're gonna do all of it tonight without killing them. I've never been more excited in my life."

"I have never seen you this worked up, little pal."

"You should have seen me when they stole your brain."

"What?" Sybil asked.

"It's a long story," Sam said.

"We could talk about it or we could put in motion the most satisfying, holy revenge we've ever been a part of," Max said walking out the door with his luger in his hand. "Let's go, Sam!"

"I've never seen him that passionate about a mission before," Sybil said. "Sammy has really influenced him."

"She and Maxine both have," Sam said. "It's true what they say about women having the ability to change a man's heart. I understand more now why the Almighty saw fit to create them."

"Ignoring that slightly sexist comment," Sybil said while Sam was walking to the door. "Good luck, you guys! Be careful."

"We make no promises," Max yelled from the outside while Sam walked out and shut the door.


	11. Chapter 11

Sam and Max AU: Holy Vengeance

Sam and Max pulled up to Sammy's parents' house in their DeSoto. Once the car stopped, Max hopped out and stared at the place where Simon and Esther had brought his daughter so much misery. As he stared, his psychotic smiled only grew larger. Sam got out of the car and opened their trunk.

"Are you ready, little pal?" Sam asked.

"Do you really need to ask that, Sam?" Max asked.

"I figured it was a necessary formality," Sam said pulling his gloves on before passing another pair to Max.

Max put on his gloves and ran to the trunk to grab his crowbar. He then ran to the front door and quickly pulled it off his hinges with a loud crack.

"We need to be quieter, Max," Sam said. "We might wake them up or attract intervention from other policemen whose loud sirens would wake up the girls and try to stop us."

"I'd love to see them try."

"You bust me up, Max. Now, what do you want to do first?"

"You can work first, Sam. Do whatever you want to them without waking them up but leave the fun stuff to me."

"What are you gonna do, little pal?"

"Daddy's going to do some searching around for Sammy's valuables. I don't want her things destroyed in the inferno."

"You planning to burn the house down?"

"I might be. It depends on the ideas I pick up while I'm clearing house. I don't have a concrete plan yet."

"I'd be worried if you did, Max."

Sam grabbed his rope and tied the two sleeping rabbits on the ground up so they were hanging from the ceiling by their arms and were at Max's eye-level.

Meanwhile, Max searched for all of Sammy's things he could find to carry back to the trunk of their car. Underneath the clothes, he spotted the tablet she mentioned before plugged into a charger on the wall. He picked that up, gathered everything he found, and carried it back to the DeSoto in one trip.

Max stopped after unloading to uncharacteristically reflect. That work didn't take long. Sammy didn't have much in terms of possessions or anything really. Her parents gave her so little and now she was suffering for it. He and Sam would have to give her everything his cousins never cared to, but first, he had to teach the bastards a lesson.

Max slammed the trunk and ran as quickly as he could back into the house. Sam was gathering things on the floor and trying to avoid tripping over all the beer bottles.

"Check it out, Max," Sam said. "I have found cell phones, computers, and so much good stuff…"

"The girls will love them, Sam," Max said happily. "Sure, we'll have to censor the hell out of anything unmentionable, but I'll be able to teach them the joys of antisocial behavior and online gaming."

"This is evidence, dough head. We're turning it over to other cops to ensure that your irresponsible and downright unforgiveable relatives stay in prison for the rest of their lives."

"Dammit, Sam! Didn't you find anything we could give both the girls? I mean I found Sammy's tablet and some books written by hipsters which I suppose they'll share, but if we don't start giving presents to Maxine then she might start feeling left out."

"Hmmm…I see what you mean. How about this piano in the corner? Samantha seems like the type of child to enjoy intellectual and artistic activities and Maxine does share my musical inclinations…"

"And has a much better singing voice."

"Tie the piano to the back of the DeSoto, little pal. I'll load up the evidence."

"Okay."

"I almost forgot to mention that I found more of their drug money. I'm torn on whether we should use this as evidence or keep it to pay for our children's education."

"Are you?"

"Not really, now our children have enough money to go to Harvard if they wanted to."

"I feel good about being able to provide for our girls, Sam."

"Me, too, little pal."

Once the two finished loading up the car, the real fun began. Sam and Max stripped the house of anything they could possibly pawn leaving the whole building empty except for Max's still unconscious cousins, the drugs they sold, and the alcohol bottles on the ground. They put all the drugs under them from where they were suspended and gathered all the bottles together.

"You think it's time to wake them up, little pal?" Sam asked.

"I think so, Sam," Max said grabbing a bottle and smacking his cousins across the face with it waking them up instantly and bruising their faces.

"What the hell?" Simon muttered in his drunken stupor. "Max? What are you doing here? What do you want?"

"Where the hell is all our stuff?" Esther asked as they both slowly noticed they were suspended from the ceiling. "Why can't we move? What have you done?"

"Quicker on the uptake than you usually are," Max said. "Huh, hungover Hannah?"

"I'm warning you, Max," Esther spat back.

"You two ain't in no position to be making demands," Max said holding back his psychotic rage while Sam hung back and let his little buddy do his thing. "You're going to sit there and take everything I give you…just like you expected her to."

"What are you talking about?" Simon asked fearing what Max was about to say and what he knew.

"Cut the crap, Simon!" Max said letting more of his anger come out while he pulled out his luger and broke the bottle he was holding. "I know exactly what you tried to do to Samantha! You tried to sell her off to some drug-addicted, pedophilic piece of shit just so you two could have extra money!"

Max slapped them both across the face with the broken beer bottle cutting them and causing them to bleed.

"That little brat…" Simon muttered under her breath. "She told on us."

"We coaxed it out of her actually," Max said dropping the beer bottle and letting it shatter on the floor. "She was having nightmares and panic attacks and mentioned something about being threatened with being institutionalized."

Sam couldn't hold back anymore. He ran past Max, pulled both rabbits up by the neck, and yelled, "How could you?! How could you sell out your own child?! I would rather die than betray my daughter!"

"We were running low on money," Simon said through a choked trachea. "The buyer said he would give us extra if he could keep Samantha as his own…"

"Simon said he wasn't going to hurt her…" Esther said angrily.

"Tell me," Sam replied. "What else would a drug-addict want from a little girl?"

"I know you're millennials, but I didn't think you'd be that stupid," Max said getting out his crowbar. "May I, Sam?"

"They're all yours, little pal," Sam said letting them go and stepping back.

"It's pathetic how worthless you two are," Max said.

"You try raising a child…" Simon said.

"I have and done a better job than both of you and I'm the one who's supposedly a psychopath," Max said before he slugged them both across the chest with the crow bar. "I probably understand her more than either of you."

"Max, you want to do what you suggested when we first arrived here?" Sam said while their adversaries were screaming and coughing up blood.

Max responded with a nod, Sam walked out, and Max went back to monologuing.

"Sammy is an amazing little girl," Max said slamming the crowbar across Simon and Esther's face this time. "She's tough, improbably smart, and unbelievably kindhearted for what she's been through. She told us she still hoped you two would repent. I think it's a naïve sentiment considering who you two are but I won't be the one to squash her hopes."

He smacked them again across their bodies before continuing, "She doesn't know what's happening right now and I probably won't tell her 'til she's much older, but one thing's for sure."

Max smacked them again before continuing, "Sam, Maxine, and I are going to give her the happiest life we can. She'll be happy, so happy, that her misery with you will become a distant memory and maybe just maybe, she'll turn out better than the pieces of shit that our family produces on a regular basis."

Simon spat out blood while his wife was coughing and said, "Since when are you such a saint, you ! #$%^' hypocrite? You betray us once by becoming a cop, and now, you're turning on your own family? You'll be disowned."

"Thank God!" Max exclaimed. "I've been looking for an excuse to cut you losers out of my life for years."

"You'll have no family," Simon said.

"I've got all the family I need, Simon," Max said as his psychotic smile grew larger. "I've got bonds that are thicker than your blood."

"I'm done, Max," Sam said throwing the last of his lighter fluid to the side. "Pick up the drugs on your way out."

"Why?" Max asked.

"I'll explain when you get out here."

"Whatever."

"Where are you going?" Simon asked.

"I'm leaving you two the same way you left Samantha," Max said picking up all the drugs and walking out with them. "Alone, scared, and helpless."

As soon as Max walked out, Sam set the house on fire. Simon and Esther started screaming as Sam sat down outside on the hood of the DeSoto and set a timer on his phone.

"What do ya have in mind, Sam?" Max asked.

"Well…"

Sam explained his plan, and Max loved it. They waited outside the house making smores on the flames engulfing the house while Simon and Esther continued to scream in terror.

"It's amazing that other cops haven't been called yet," Max said before biting into his smore.

"Oh, I alerted them before we began this little revenge quest," Sam said. "It turns out your cousins have more enemies than I expected."

"Then why were you tellin' me to be quiet earlier?"

"They won't call for your cousins, but they might tell on us for being excessively noisy on a school night. I figured you didn't want to sit through another neighborhood council meeting."

"Hell, no! The last one was horrible enough. Those people have no sense of humor."

"You replaced their brown sugar with cat litter for April Fool's Day. Two people had to be sent to the hospital."

"See what I mean? No sense of humor."

"You crack me up…"

Sam's alarm suddenly went off.

He turned it off and said, "It looks like it's time, Max. You better go get your cousins before they burn to death."

Max forked down the rest of his smore and ran back to the opening of his cousins' house where their door used to be.

"Max!" Esther yelled in panic when she saw him.

"Get us down!" Simon yelled. "We'll do anything."

Max pulled out his luger and shot the ropes that were holding them up. They fell with a thud, and before they could get up, Max ran in and pulled them out by their ropes.

"You ought to know we never intended to leave you," Max said as he pulled them out the door. "But don't thank us. The only reason you two are alive is because a certain cherub said she didn't want her former parents to die."

"She did?" Esther asked between coughs.

Once Simon and Esther were outside and coughing, they were allowed to stand up. Max wrapped his arms around both their shoulders so they wouldn't run away.

Sam was already on the phone.

"Yes, commissioner, we caught them," Sam said. "They're responsible for most of the drug deals on our side of town and attempted to sell their own daughter into prostitution. They're absolutely horrible…"

"You're selling us out to the cops, you son of a bitch…" Simon started to say before Max pulled out his luger and aimed it at his head.

"Yes, sir, the child in question is Max's cousin and we've already made the arrangements for her to live with us permanently," Sam said on the phone. "She's been living with us since Thursday and Max signed the adoption papers to make her his own. I'm as surprised as you are. Yes, we're bringing them in. Had a few issues to deal with first. They're both injured and as high as kites. They burned their own house down. We need a fire truck out here. Okay, yes, sir. We're coming."

"You lying piece of shit!" Simon yelled as Max grabbed a bag of powder and forced it up his nose.

Simon's pupils expanded and he stopped speaking for a while. Sam opened the car door and Max pushed Simon in.

Max grabbed a bag and intended to do the same to Esther.

"Thank you," Esther said.

"What?" Max asked.

"Thank you for taking care of Samantha. I know she'll be better off with you."

Max was pleasantly surprised by her reaction, but nonetheless, he forced the drugs up her nose, too.

With both passengers in tow and babbling like crazy people, Sam and Max jumped into the DeSoto and took off into the night.


	12. Chapter 12

Sam and Max AU: Obligatory Halloween Chapter

Max moped on the couch while he watched Sam and the girls get ready to go trick or treating.

It had been about a month since they did their dirty work with his cousins, but that was not why he was upset. He was upset because Sam had won their card game and would be the one trick-or-treating with the girls instead of him.

"Are you done moping, Max?" Sam asked after he tied the Batgirl mask around his daughter's head.

"No, I wanna go," Max complained. "Why can't I go?"

"Someone has to be here to open the door for all the other kids, so our neighbors don't complain about our lack of festive spirit…again. Besides, you should be happy. This means you'll get the night off."

"I don't want the night off. I want to trick or treat with my babies and get tons of candy."

"I can keep you company, Daddy," Sammy said running over to him dressed as a mummy wrapped in white bandages. "I have no idea what I'm doing anyway."

"Me, too," Maxine said doing the same thing.

"Awww," Max said jumping over the couch, scooping them up in his arms, and giving them kisses. "I'm not making you stay here for me, but it's good to know at least _someone_ cares."

"Don't be childish, little buddy," Sam said crossing his arms. "You lost our game of Go Fish fair and square."

"I was disqualified for using our kids to cheat."

"Either way, you lost."

The doorbell rang.

"It's the other kids begging for food," Sammy said scampering out of Max's arms and running to the door.

"They're not begging, Choco," Maxine said doing the same thing. "We're giving them candy. Come on!"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Why can't I go Sam?" Max complained.

"The truth is I want to spend more time alone with Samantha," Sam said. "I've been her godfather for a month and we still don't have much of a relationship. She's usually spending time with either you or Maxine. This will be a great chance for us to finally establish a bond."

"I knew it! You are trying to steal my baby from me!"

"Like you 'stole' Maxine from me?"

Max thought for a second and then he said, "Fair enough. I guess you two can have some bonding time, but if she starts calling you 'Daddy,' I'm drawing the line."

"You crack me up, little buddy," Sam said.

"Choco, you don't need to give them canned food," Maxine said from the door.

"But they're hungry and candy isn't very nutritious," Sammy replied.

"Have to go," Sam said. "Please try to enjoy your time off and be sure to open the door when the kids knock."

"No promises," Max said turning around and turning on the TV to watch old scary movies while they went out.

"Sammy, it's Halloween," Sam said walking past them and giving each of the children at the door some candy before they walked away. "You don't need to give canned food yet."

"But I thought on Halloween, children went from door to door because they were hungry, and their parents weren't giving them food," Sammy said.

"Haven't you ever been trick-or-treating before?" Maxine asked. "Don't you know anything about Halloween?"

"I've read a bit about Halloween in books," Sammy replied. "I know we're dressed up, so the spirits of the dead don't recognize us when they come back to earth, but I've never understood why people went door to door begging for food, and whenever I asked my old mommy and daddy to take me, they said no."

"Oh, man! That sucks!" Maxine said. "But now you can go out and get candy with us!"

"Really?"

"Duh! Why did you think we dressed you up?"

"I thought it was just for fun."

"Nope, you're getting candy tonight!"

"And I'm going to make sure you stay safe and enjoy yourselves without anyone older and stronger coming to pick on you," Sam said. "Come on, ladies! Grab your bags! The night is calling."

"I don't know what I'm doing," Sammy said picking up her pillow case while Maxine did the same thing. "But I'll do my best and try not to embarrass you."

"I've been too embarrassed by Max over the course of my entire life to ever be embarrassed by anyone else, Sammy," Sam said holding the door open for his girls. "I highly doubt you two could do that much damage."

"Don't challenge them, Sam," Max said from the couch. "You might just inspire them."

"Bye, Daddy!" Sammy said. "I'll see you later."

"See ya, Uncle Max!" Maxine said while they walked out.

"Bye, ladies!" Max said. "Take care of Sam while I'm gone."

"See ya later, little pal," Sam said shutting the door.

"Yeah, yeah," he heard Max say as the door finally shut.

Sammy walked outside and looked around at a sight she had only before seen from a distance. There were children in costumes walking up and down the streets, some with their parents close behind them and some in groups by themselves. The whole neighborhood was decorated with pumpkins, tombstones, and Halloween decorations galore as children who knocked on doors were greeted with candy and compliments.

Sam looked at her and smiled remembering his own fond memories of trick-or-treating with Max.

"Haven't seen this before? Have you?" Sam said breaking Samantha's trance.

"I've only seen it on TV," Sammy said with her little eyes as wide as they would go. "It's so cool to see it in real life."

"Would you like a better view?"

"How?"

Sam scooped her up and put her on his right shoulder since she was too small to ride both of them at once. Sam smiled. She was tinier than Max was at her age.

"Check it out," Sam said while Samantha stood up on his shoulder to have a look around. "How do you like it?"

"Woah!" Samantha said looking around in wonder at the world she could now see much more of. "I can see everything from up here. This is so cool. There are so many kids and houses."

"You're gonna love it, Sammy," Maxine said from the ground. "The people in this neighborhood give out the best candy."

"Why do they give out candy?" Sammy asked while sliding down Sam's arm onto the ground.

"It's fun," Maxine said while Sam followed behind them. "That's why."

"I feel like there's more to it than that."

"You can look it up later. Now, watch and learn."

Maxine ran up towards the house next door with tombstones following the walkway leading to the front door on either side. Sammy hung back next to Sam a bit nervously. Sam crouched down and gave her a gentle push.

"It's alright, Sammy," Sam said. "All you have to do is go to the door and say, 'Trick or treat.' Then, you get candy. It's easy."

Maxine knocked on the door. She turned around, but when she saw that her little buddy was not with her, she looked back at Sam.

"Come up here, Choco!" Maxine yelled. "It's okay. He's nice. He won't throw cans at your face."

"Throw cans at your face?" Sam asked while other kids pushed past them. "What is she talking about?"

"The people at the apartment would throw cans at me when I asked for food," Sammy said tugging at his pants and starting to panic. "That's why I stopped begging. We shouldn't be begging here either. We have to save Maxine or they will throw cans at her. We should go back."

"I don't think so," Sam said lifting her onto his shoulder again. "I'm not letting you miss out. Listen, Sammy, you don't need to let other people make you afraid. I know this from experience. You have to face your fears and not let them stop you from living your life."

"But what if they attack?" Sammy asked as Sam walked to the door.

"We kick their asses," Sam said very calmly. "I don't think you need to worry about that with these neighbors, but if they do anything, we'll attack together."

"You'll have my back?"

"Of course. What are godfathers for?"

Sam made it to the door just as his neighbor opened the door and the kids surrounding it said, "Trick or treat!"

The neighbor passed out candy to all the kids while Sammy still sat on Sam's shoulder quite nervously.

When he was done and all the other kids had left, this neighbor, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a moustache clad in a purple sweater vest, a yellow collared shirt and brown pants and shoes, turned over to her and said in a thick Russian accent, "Do you want candy, too?"

Sammy shyly nodded as Sam placed her on the neighbor's front porch and pushed her forward. Sammy froze nervously for a moment.

"It's alright, Choco," Maxine said. "He's nice. He won't be mean to you."

"Yeah, I don't bite," the neighbor said.

Sammy looked at him, looked at Maxine, and looked back at Sam who simply nodded to push her to go on.

After receiving her reassurance, Sammy turned around, opened her pillow case and said, "Trick or treat."

The neighbor dropped a handful of candy into her bag. Sammy's eyes grew wide with joy and excitement.

"I did it! I trick or treated and no one threw cans at my face!" Sammy exclaimed.

"I told you it was easy, Choco," Maxine said.

"Let's go to the next house," Sammy said running ahead with Maxine to the next house down. "Come on!"

"Wait, girls," Sam said. "Don't you two have something to say?"

"Oh, yeah!" Sammy said stopping in her tracks. "Thank you for giving me candy and not throwing cans at my face!"

"Yeah, thank you!" Maxine said before she and Sammy took off again.

"She is the little girl of those two criminals, yeah?" the neighbor asked Sam as he was walking away.

"Yes," Sam said not knowing whether to be defensive or not.

"You are good man, Sam," the neighbor said. "The white rabbit is, too. She will know much happiness because of you."

Sam simply smiled back at him and walked away.


	13. Chapter 13

The trio trick-or-treated for the next two hours and had a blast. They walked outside their neighborhood to the nicer houses that gave away even better candy and trick-or-treated.

Sam looked at his two girls chattering happily and smiled. He enjoyed spending more time with Samantha and Maxine and watching their friendship grow. He learned that he and Samantha had some things in common, mostly in their love for trivial knowledge, and she started growing more comfortable with him. It was a successful evening.

Unfortunately, Sam noticed the girls were starting to get tired.

"Ladies, do you wanna head home now?" Sam asked. "It's getting late."

"Come on, Daddy," Maxine said. "We wanna keep going."

"You need to go to bed soon," Sam said. "You have school tomorrow."

"But Daddy…" Maxine whined.

"How about we go back after we finish trick-or-treating at the last two houses on this street, Maxine?" Sammy asked trying to be the peacemaker. "I'm getting tired and the bags are full enough. We can go further next year."

"Okay," Maxine agreed while Sam rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Daddy, can we ride on your shoulders? My feet hurt."

"Sure," Sam said picking up one child and then the other. "You're lucky that both of you combined still weigh less than Max."

Unbeknownst to them while they walked to the second to last house on that street, a figure in a black robe and a pumpkin head was watching them from the woods that were conveniently across the street. She took off her pumpkin head and revealed that she was Cleo, a grey poodle who was one of Sam's evil exes.

"I'm watching you, Sam," Cleo whispered from her hiding place. "I'm going to get you and your rotten kids."

She started laughing evilly as lightning struck across the sky as she put her pumpkin head back on.

"Was that an evil laugh and a lightning strike that came out of nowhere?" Maxine asked while they were finishing up at that house.

"Probably," Sam said.

"It sounds like God just struck down another evildoer," Sammy said calmly.

"Wouldn't surprise me, doll face," Flint Paper said from the doorway of his house. "This city is crawling with rats, which reminds me. Sam, could you and your partner help me with something tomorrow?"

"What do you need?" Sam asked.

"Dad…." Maxine said in exasperation, knowing how long-winded her father's conversations could be.

"Go to the house next door," Sam said to his daughter. "I'll be sure this doesn't take long."

"That's what you always say," Maxine said walking away with Sammy following close behind her. "He always does this…"

"She's got quite an attitude already," Flint Paper noted. "Just like you."

"No idea what you're talking about," Sam lied. "Anyways, about that favor…"

"Right…"

Sammy and Maxine were walked along the sidewalk to the last house on the right dragging their pillow cases on the ground while Sam and Flint Paper kept talking.

"Finally," Cleo said from her hiding place. "Now's my chance."

Cleo quickly ran up to the girls from the woods. They were both standing in front of the door they had just knocked on and turned around to see the black robe and pumpkin head clad woman.

"Hello, ladies!" Cleo said. "Would you like to go to a neighborhood with more candy?"

"I'd like to, but our bags are heavy," Sammy said first. "Besides, you might be one of those weirdoes who sell the candy that makes people sick and I'm not interested in any of that crap."

"I'm not talking about that kind of candy," Cleo said indignantly. "I'm talking about the good stuff. Over there, they give out all the chocolate you can eat. If you follow me, I'll take you straight there. You don't need to worry about not being able to carry the bags either. I'll carry them. What do you say?"

"Okay, I suppose I could always claw your face up later if you're lying, but we'd have to wait for Sam…" Sammy said. "He doesn't like us going off by ourselves…"

"Wait, Choco!" Maxine said. "We can't let her get near my Daddy."

"That's right," Cleo said thinking she knew where this was going.

"She'll eat him!" Maxine said.

"What?" Sammy and Cleo both asked at once.

"Don't you remember that Goosebumps episode we watched?" Maxine asked. "She's one of those shapeshifting aliens who eats earthlings and doesn't lie! If we let her get near Daddy, then she'll eat him."

"Holy crap!" Sammy said. "You're right! I can't believe I forgot about that episode. What do we do? I can't fight off a shapeshifting, people-eating alien by myself. We need weapons."

"I'll go get Daddy and his gun. You fight her off as long as you can!"

"Got it!" Sammy yelled while releasing her bag and launching herself onto Cleo to start her attack.

"Wait a minute," Cleo said quickly. "I'm not a…Ahhhh!"

Sammy landed on Cleo's chest and quickly went into her frenzy scratching everything with her nails and teeth. She resisted screaming as much as she could and watched helplessly while Maxine reached her father who was just finishing up his conversation with Flint Paper.

"Daddy, we need your gun," Maxine said pulling on her Daddy's pants.

"What on earth for?" Sam asked clearly caught by surprise.

"An alien wants to eat you!" Maxine yelled.

"What?"

Cleo thought quickly. She pulled Sammy along with her mouthful on cloth and fur off her person and threw her on the ground while she ran into the woods.

"Ow!" Sammy yelled as she fell to the ground causing Sam to look up just in time to see her victim run into the woods. "Get back here, alien scum!"

"Who was that?" Sam asked as calmly as he could so not to scare the girls as he ran over to pick up Sammy. "Are you alright, Choco?"

"Why did she have to run away?" Samantha said pouting on the ground and spitting the cloth and fur out of her mouth. "I almost caught her. She was the weakest alien ever. We could have saved all the adults from being eaten."

Flint Paper ran past them and said, "I'll catch her, Sam. You take care of your girls. I've been itching for a fight anyway."

"Thanks, Flint!" Sam said calmly picking Sammy up and lifting her back onto her feet while looking her over for damage. "Now, ladies, you're saying she was an alien…?"

"Yeah, she was a shapeshifting alien who eats grown-ups like the ones in Goosebumps," Maxine quickly replied.

"She was going to take all of us trick-or-treating in another neighborhood," Sammy said. "Then, she was going to make us trick-or-treat forever while she ate you."

"She even admitted it. She said you shouldn't go near her."

"She couldn't lie about it. She was honest just like the aliens in the show. We have to stop her before she eats any other adults!"

"Alright, girls," Sam said. "Calm down. It's alright. Flint will stop the alien, but in the future, if a stranger asks you to go somewhere, you should always tell an older person before doing anything, because next time, the alien might lie and might not be a total wimp. Okay?"

"Okay," they both said before walking back to the house they were trick-or-treating at.

"Can we finish trick-or-treating now?" Maxine asked.

"But the guy isn't home," Sammy said picking up her candy bag.

"Just let me knock one more time. I wanna be sure."

"Whatever."

"Go ahead," Sam said. "I'm gonna call Max."

As he searched for his phone in the box in his coat, Sam looked down and spotted the grey fur that Sammy spit out. He picked it up and eyed it suspiciously.

Meanwhile, Maxine knocked on the door one last time, but there was no answer.

"I guess he really isn't home, Choco," Maxine said. "Let's go…"

"Oh, my stars and stripes!" all three of them heard a voice on the other side of the door say. "Aren't you two adorable?!"

They looked up to see the only thing scarier than an alien stalker, Lorne.

 _The Friend for Life!_

"What was that?" Samantha asked while Sam froze in terror.

"I don't know," Maxine said. "Isn't that the guy you beat up?"

"I can't believe it," Lorne said fanboying more with every word. "The daughters of the two best crimefighters on the planet are at my door asking for candy. This is the greatest day of my life!"

"I remember you," Sammy said. "Sorry about beating you up. I thought you were a bad guy."

"That is no problem, you precious little things!" Lorne said scooping them both up into his arms. "It was a privilege to be beaten by a member of Max's family."

"What are you doing?" Sammy asked.

"Yeah, put us down, you…" Maxine said.

"Lorne," Sam began cautiously. "It's…nice to see you. I didn't know you owned a house here. That's surprising…"

"Oh, I don't own the house," Lorne said oblivious to the girls' squirming in his arms. "I rent it from my parents. They're the landlords of all the neighborhoods in this area. I'm currently jobless, but they're paying for all my bills until I find work. I never would have guessed that you lived near here. This is great!"

"Yeah," Sam said to his poorly concealed chagrin. "It's wonderful. Look, it was nice talking to you, but I really need to take the girls home. They have school in the morning and…"

"Hey!" Maxine said. "You said one more house. I'm not leaving until he gives us candy."

"Yeah," Sammy said. "We have to finish out this neighborhood, Sam. Then, we can go home."

"Ladies…" Sam started to say.

"Oh, that's right," Lorne said holding the two girls even closer. "I must have forgotten in all my excitement. I have loads of candy left since the kids didn't really come by my house this year for some reason. You two can have as much as you want."

"Yay!" both girls yelled in happiness while they scampered out of Lorne's arms and ran into his house.

"Wait, girls! Come back!" Sam yelled running towards the door after they were out of sight.

"Oh, it's fine, Sam," Lorne said wrapping his arm around Sam's shoulder and pushing him into the house. "Come inside. I have been keeping track of all your adventures, even your most recent ones. I have pictures and everything."

"I appreciate the offer, but I really do have to get the girls to bed. They're going to start being cranky…"

"Oh, Sam. I insist! It's no trouble at all…"

Sam was forcibly pushed through the door. Lorne's place looked okay at the first glance. The living room they walked through was not furnished and had boxes sitting against the wall, but it was clean, and the kitchen was neat. It was when they turned left and walked into the den that Sam froze in horror. There were pictures of Sam and Max on every inch of the wall. A collage of their faces was a cover for the coffee table that the candy was sitting on. The girls were eating candy while sitting on the couch which had a Sam and Max blanket and pillows on it and watching the TV of news clips and stalker videos of Sam and Max's adventures playing non-stop.

"Hey, Daddy!" Maxine said to her father. "I didn't know you and Uncle Max were on TV. That's so cool."

"Like it, Sam?" Lorne asked excitedly scaring Sam out of his thoughts. "I've had a lot of catching up to do since I've been in that mental institution for such a long time. I mean your wiki page has been maintained okay by its contributors, but there are some tiny details that I've been wanting to get yours and Max's verification on. Wait a second. Where is he?"

"Daddy's at home because he lost the card game," Sammy said while eating a chocolate bar.

"What a shame," Lorne said. "I wanted to show both of you the improvements I made to your website."

"Indeed, it is," Sam said giving the best poker face he could. "Well, it's been nice seeing you again, Lorne, but girls, you now have your candy. We should really get going."

"We did say one more house, Maxine," Sammy said jumping off the couch with her bag of candy.

"Okay, we can go," Maxine reluctantly agreed getting up to do the same thing.

"NO!" Lorne suddenly shouted while wrapping his arms around Sam so tightly he was struggling to breathe. "You can't go! I haven't seen you since they forced me into the institution! We have so much catching up to do! I understand you're a father and have other responsibilities now, but surely you can make time for your friend for life!"

"Hey!" Maxine shouted while pulling on Lorne's pants. "Let my Daddy go! You're hurting him!"

"Lorne…" Sam struggled to say.

"It's alright, Lorne," he heard Samantha say. "We can stay for a while…"

"Really?" Lorne asked turning his attention to Sammy and letting go of Sam, so he could scoop her up in his arms and hold her tight while she tried to squirm away. "Oh, you are wonderful! We can have a party! Oh, let me make some more snacks. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me!"

Lorne dropped Sammy onto the couch and quickly ran into the kitchen.

She brushed herself off and said, "He's not normal, but at least, he's nice."

"Daddy, are you alright?" Maxine asked running up to him to check on him. "Did the weird guy hurt you?"

Sam picked up Maxine, ran over to the couch, scooped up Samantha, grabbed their candy bags, and ran back towards one of the bedrooms without saying a word.

"Daddy…?" Maxine asked.

"Shhh!" Sam said quietly. "Don't let him hear us."

Sam opened the door to one of the rooms in the short hallway leading away from the den and shut it behind them. He put his cargo down and locked the door as quickly as he could before turning on the light. Sam jumped in fear on seeing what was evidently Lorne's computer room. Pictures of him and Max covered the walls. On a desk, there was one big computer monitor with a bunch of hard drives lying everywhere and a couch in the back. From all the garbage that threatened to pour out of the trash can and the sorry state of the master bathroom, it was evident that this was where Lorne spent most of his time.

"Daddy, what's going on?" Maxine asked breaking the silence.

"Yeah, why are we running away?" Sammy asked. "Lorne was nice."

"Lorne is not nice," Sam said pulling out his cell phone and calling Max. "He's crazy. Before either of you were born, he used to follow me and Max around and refused to leave us alone…"

"So, Lorne's a stalker?" Sammy asked in surprise.

"Yes," Sam said just as Max finally answered his phone.

"Hello?" Max asked. "Make this quick. I'm watching a slasher flick and the serial killer's about to catch his first victim."

"Max, we need your help," Sam said in uncharacteristic desperation. "Lorne has us trapped in his house!"

"Oh, my God! The girls, too?"

"Yes, he lured them in with candy and now he won't let us leave until I answer all his fanboy questions."

"How the hell did he find us?"

"He lives near our neighborhood. His parents are the landlords."

"This just keeps getting better."

"Oh, Sam!" Lorne said so loudly that Max could hear it on the receiver. "I have corndogs. Oh, no! Is the door stuck? I'll go get the lock pick."

"I'm texting you the address now," Sam running to the other side of the room where the window was, putting his phone on speaker, and texting the address as well as he could. "God, I hate these buttons."

"I'll do it," Sammy said jumping up and snatching the phone out of his hands. "I know where we are."

"Hurry, Choco!" Maxine said fearfully while Sammy entered the address and sent the message.

"I did it, Daddy," Sammy said.

"That's my girl," Max said as bravely as he could while reading over the address. "Now, don't be scared. You don't be scared either, Maxine. Sam will take care of you until I get there. Keep each other safe, and for God's sake, don't let him know where we live!"

"Okay," both girls said at once.

"One more thing, Max," Sam said taking the phone back. "You can use the car!"

Max squealed with joy as he ended the call and ran for the car as quickly as he could.

Just as the call ended, Lorne managed to open the door.

"Oh, Sam," Lorne said with his face heavy. "I am so sorry about that door. Can you ever forgive me?"

"It's no problem, Lorne," Sam said while Sammy and Maxine were hiding behind his legs with their candy.

"Oh, no! It looks like your little ones are scared. Come on out, girls. I'm sorry about the door, but I'm sure that a hug will make it all better. Come on out!"

"No," Maxine said. "You're creepy."

"Come on," Lorne said getting down at eye-level and creeping closer to her. "I don't bite. Ask your Daddy."

"Leave us alone, stalker!" Sammy yelled bearing her fangs at him.

"Lorne, you wanted to show me something?" Sam asked to get his attention.

"Oh, yes!" Lorne said excitedly. "I reformatted your website. Just let me turn on my computer."

When Lorne turned around to walk to his computer, Sam crouched down, beckoned the girls to come closer, and whispered into both their ears at once.

"You got it?" Sam whispered.

They both nodded to show that they had.

"Don't worry…" Sammy said before Maxine held her hand over her mouth.

"Shhh!" Maxine said.

Sammy gave a thumb up to show she understood.

"I've got it, Sam," Lorne said.

Sam reluctantly walked over to the computer and let his girls do their thing while Lorne began incessantly prattling.

Maxine gave Sammy a boost and pushed up as far as she could, so Sammy could unlock the window. When she unlocked it, Maxine lowered her down until she could stand on the window sill. Together, they pushed the window open. Then, when they were done, Maxine threw both candy bags out the window and Sammy helped her climb up.

"See ya later, losers!" Maxine said to get their attention.

"Yeah, we are totally misbehaving and need to be caught to be reprimanded for our bad behavior! Catch us if you can!" Sammy said as they both jumped out the window and run away.

"Oh, no," Sam said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. "I need to run after them before they get hurt. I'm sorry, Lorne. I have to go now."

Sam ran out the front door as quickly as he could into the street where his girls were waiting for him to chase them.

"Great job, girls!" Sam said picking up their candy bags and putting them in his coat. "Just keep it up until Max gets here and we'll be home free."

"I don't want him to come too soon," Maxine said. "This is fun!"

"You have a weird definition of fun, my dear," Sam replied.

"Why can't I just attack him, Sam?" Samantha asked. "Then, he'd leave us alone for sure."

"His parents own the land our house is on, Sammy, so…" Sam said.

"If we attack him, his parents might kick us out of our house, like the apartment lady kicked us out of our home?" Sam asked.

"Exactly," Sam said.

"Wait, Sam!" he heard the sickening voice from inside the house say. "Let me help you!"

"Get moving, girls," Sam said. "Max shouldn't take too much longer to get here. Depending on the property damage, what traffic laws he decides to break, and whether he gets caught in the process, he should be here anytime within the next 3 minutes. Keep an eye out! I'll give you a head start."

"Alright," Maxine said before she and Sammy ran off.

"This is the best Halloween ever!" Sammy yelled.

"Sam," Lorne said when he finally reached the front door. "Where are they?"

"They're over there," Sam said trying to sound like he was out of breath. "Let's go!"

"Can't catch us!" Maxine turned around and yelled before they kept going down the street.

"You are in so much trouble, young lady!" Sam yelled in contrived anger.

Sam ran after them and Lorne followed behind as best he could. The girls ran around the cul-de-sac and next to the conveniently placed forest on the other side of the street. They were almost at the end of the street again when the familiar black clad, pumpkin-headed figure popped out of the trees in front of them, stopping them in their tracks.

"There, you are, you little brats!" she yelled.

"Get out of our way, alien!" Maxine yelled.

"Yeah, we're busy!" Sammy yelled.

"No, I'm not letting you get away again," Cleo said in frustration. "One way or another, you two will…AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She was interrupted when Max hit her with the DeSoto sending her flying into the woods.

"Piss off, ya perv!" Max yelled while the girls climbed into the backseat.

"Good job, Daddy!" Sammy said. "You beat the alien."

"What?" Max asked.

"You did great," Flint Paper said running past the car to pick up the criminal. "Thanks, Max!"

"Yeah, don't mention it, Flint," Max replied before putting the car in park and turning around to look at the girls. "Where's Sam?"

"He's running really slow so that we can have a head start," Maxine said. "Oh, look. There, he comes."

"Pretend we're in huge trouble, Daddy," Sammy said.

"What?" Max asked feeling more confused by the second.

"There you are, ruffians," Sam said breathing hard and contrivedly acting. "You two are in so much trouble."

"Oh, no," Maxine said without much enthusiasm.

"We accept punishment for our bad behavior," Sammy said. "Just don't beat us."

"Oh, you two have been so bad you're going home right now," Sam phoned in. "Right, Max?"

"Sam…?" Max asked.

Sam winked as a reply, and in an instant, Max understood.

"Yeah, you two are going to bed with no candy," Max said.

"No!" both girls yelled at once.

"I guess I'd better leave you two to parent," Lorne said while Sam pushed Max out of the way so he could take the wheel as he climbed in the car. "Another time, then?"

Sam drove away as quickly as he could without giving a reply.

"Okay, call me!" Lorne yelled.

"Great job, ladies," Sam said throwing the bags of candy to the girls. "You were so convincing you should work for Hollywood. You did well too, Max."

"Yeah, you defeated the alien and saved the planet," Maxine said while stuffing her mouth full of candy.

"Who the hell is the alien?" Max asked quietly so the girls wouldn't hear him. "Was that the pervy lady I hit with my car?"

"I'm about 60% sure that she was one of my exes attempting to kidnap the girls for some half-assed revenge plot that was foiled because our girls thought she was an alien and fought her off," Sam said. "Well, Sammy did. Maxine ran to get me."

"Aww, our babies are so smart," Max gushed.

"The alien threw me on the ground, Daddy," Sammy said eating candy and interrupting their conversation.

"She did?" Max turned around and asked in concern. "Oh, were you hurt, Sammy? Do I have to beat her up?"

"Not really, she just hurt my butt."

"Oh, well, did you enjoy your first trick-or-treating, squirt?"

"Yeah, that was amazing! I got free candy without getting yelled at, and we got to defeat two bad guys. This was the best night of my life. I hope every year is like this."

"I don't," Sam said. "I can't keep trusting Max with the car."

"Hey, I didn't leave any marks…on the DeSoto," Max said. "I can totally be trusted.

"You crack me up, little buddy," Sam replied.


	14. Chapter 14

Max came out of the room Thanksgiving morning to the smells of Sam already cooking in the kitchen and the sound of the fireplace blazing. The TV was on showing the parade and Maxine was already sitting on the ground watching the parade while Sammy was laying on the couch reading her book. They were both wearing nightgowns and matching grey hoodies.

"Come on, Sammy," Maxine said. "You're gonna miss the whole thing."

"I'll watch it in a minute," Sammy said. "I'm at a good part."

"That's what you said a minute ago."

"Starting early, I see," Max said to the girls and to Sam.

"Good morning!" both girls said at once.

"Good morning, little buddy," Sam said as Max walked into the kitchen to get himself some coffee. "Maxine woke me up because she didn't know what channel the parade was on and I couldn't go back to sleep."

"Mornings sure are different when you have little girls," Max said pouring himself a cup.

"Yeah, but for some reason, they mostly bother me when they're having a problem and let you sleep in."

"It's cool uncle/father privilege, Sam. Don't hate."

"Well, anyways, I'm making breakfast. It shouldn't take much longer to be done, so you can go watch the parade."

"I can't help but sense a certain vibe of annoyance from you, Sam. Are you sure that you're not passively aggressively trying to persuade me to do something?"

"Well, the girls won't stop talking over the parade and are disturbing the thankful peace of mind I usually try to harbor around this time of year. You could try to persuade them to be quiet."

"Choco, watch the show!" Maxine yelled from the den.

"Let me read, Maxine," Sammy said in annoyance.

"I'll see what I can do," Max said to Sam before going back into the den with his coffee. "Ladies! Ladies! What's the problem here?"

"Choco's going to miss the whole parade, Uncle Max," Maxine said. "She won't stop reading her book."

"Is that so, Sammy?" Max asked his daughter as he sat next to her on the couch.

"I can't help it," she said. "This book you bought is too good. I'm almost at the end."

"Dang, girl," Max said. "It has barely been a month. You're quite the avid reader."

"I can't put it down. I love the stories."

"But you wanted to see the parade, Choco," Maxine complained. "You're gonna miss everything."

"It's like 8am, Maxine," Max said.

"She could still miss it!" Maxine said.

"I wanna watch it, but I want to finish this story, too," Sammy said. "I don't know how to do both."

"Why don't you just read during the commercials then, squirt?" Max asked. "That way, you can do both."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," Sammy said putting her bookmark in her book before shutting it and crawling over to sit on Max's lap. "That's a great idea. You're really smart, Daddy."

"It comes with practice, Sammy," Max said rubbing her head. "Hey, Maxine! Come sit up here. It's more comfortable than the floor. Besides, we're cold and could use some extra body heat."

"Okay," Maxine said climbing on the couch and cuddling up next to Max.

"There, we go," Max said wrapping his left arm around her. "That's the stuff, 2 out of 3 of my favorite people in one place. Now, relax and enjoy the show."

"Okay," Maxine and Sammy both said at once.

Sam looked over at the couch and smiled. Knowing Max as well as he did, it was ironic. The borderline psychotic lagomorph who had killed countless criminals was a big softy in the presence of two little girls.

Sam went back to his work and continued reflecting. When he first found out that his former wife was pregnant, he was not sure how Max would feel about having yet another person take up his attention.

Max was slow to accept Joyce. Unlike Sam, he could see all the problems beneath the surface and always had reservations about the two of them being together. Even after he served as the best man at Sam's wedding, Max was still uneasy.

As time went on, Max accepted that Joyce was as much a part of Sam's life now as he was, and their relationship became playfully antagonistic instead of outright antagonistic. It was solid progress. Nevertheless, Sam was still afraid of what Max's reaction would be.

Cue flashback.

Sam and Joyce invited Max into the den of their apartment. Joyce was a Dalmatian who worked as the owner of a bar and strip club. She was funny, flirty, and sassy yet sweet underneath, or at least, Sam thought she was. That day, she was wearing her purple tank top, leather jacket, jeans, and high heels. Her black hair was free down her back. Sam remembered, because oddly enough, he thought that was the outfit she looked most natural and most attractive in. Even though it had been a year, Max still eyed her suspiciously as he sat down on the couch.

"Alright, Sam," Max said. "Spill it. What did you make me walk all the way here to tell me?"

"You live in the same building in the room next to ours, Max," Sam said.

"It still required effort," Max complained. "I had to leave an online game where I was winning."

"Oh, God forbid," Joyce said sarcastically. "We made you be social. How dare us!"

"Exactly," Max said. "Anyways, what's up?"

"We have big news for you, Max," Sam said. "I'll just come out and say it…"

"Oh, my God," Max said happily. "You're getting divorced. Finally!"

"No," Sam said in annoyance.

"Keep dreaming, bunny boy," Joyce said smiling. "Actually, somewhat the opposite…"

"You're marrying another guy?" Max asked. "That's still grounds for divorce."

"No, smartass, think harder. What do couples do when they get married?"

"Ewww! Don't make me think about that, Joyce. I don't want to know what weird things you do when I'm not around…"

"Max, we're having a baby," Sam finally said.

Max's face froze in shock.

"Awwww!" Joyce said leaning against Sam. "I wanted to make him guess. It was gonna be funny."

"I'm sorry, honey," Sam said. "I just couldn't hold in my excitement any longer."

"Sam?" Max asked. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, we are, little pal," Sam said happily pulling out the photographs from his coat and handing them to Max. "We were out getting ultrasound pictures just this morning. Joyce had been getting morning sickness, so she ran the test at home and when she got a positive result, I thought we should go to the doctor just to be sure, and well…We are. I'm going to be a dad, Max."

"Sam…." Max said looking up and wiping away a few tears. "It's a little you. He's adorable."

"Or she…" Joyce said. "They don't know yet."

"Max, I want you to be the godfather," Sam said. "I can't think of anyone better to be an uncle than you."

"That's so sweet, Sam," Max said. "I'd love to. But you know what this means, right?"

"What?"

"You're not a virgin anymore!"

Joyce busted out laughing, but Sam shook his head and said incredulously, "That goes without saying, little pal."

"Yeah, but now, I'm the only virgin. It's so weird. I thought we'd both be childless virgins forever."

Joyce laughed even harder.

Sam said, "I wasn't sure about children either, but now that I have a wife, we've decided that we also want puppies. It just feels right. I know it's soon into the marriage, but I'm not getting any younger. If I want them, I need to have them while our perpetual youth lasts, so the three of us can still take care of them…"

"Three of us?" Max asked.

"Of course, you're the godfather," Sam said while Joyce finally calmed down. "You'll be helping out, too."

"Yay," Max said running up to Joyce and patting her on the belly much to Sam's chagrin.

"Max…" Sam said in annoyance.

"It's okay, Sam," Joyce said. "He has the right to talk to his new godchild. Let him be."

"I don't know if you can hear me, little Sam," Max said. "But I'm your godfather Max, and I can't wait to meet you."

It made Sam smile to remember Max so happy. It made him smile even more to remember Max's reaction to finding out his godchild's gender and name.

Cue another flashback.

Sam and Max had to take fewer cases, so they could be around to take care of Joyce. She was able to work until about 16 weeks in when the stress became too much on her body, and she was put on bed rest. That plus her inability to vape or drink alcohol made her exceptionally grouchy. Nonetheless, Sam did all he could to take care of her, and Max was an abnormally good sport about it…mostly.

"Did anyone order dried mangoes, a jar of pickles, and three cheeseburgers without cheese, a peach milkshake, and a raspberry lemonade?" Max asked walking through the door of their apartment with his arms full of groceries.

"We're in here, Max," Sam called from the den.

"Oh, yes, food," Joyce said lying on the couch with her head in Sam's lap with the TV on in the background and her belly exposed under her t-shirt.

"Here's your food, baby mama," Max said lowering the groceries onto the coffee table.

"How thoughtful of you," Joyce said. "Thanks!"

"Sam, I think your wife needs to go back to the doctor," Max said. "She's so delirious she's actually being nice to me. Sam Jr. must be stealing the oxygen going to her brain."

"You said something funny for once, dumbass," Joyce replied sarcastically. "I'm proud of you."

"You see what I mean, Sam?" Max said while Sam helped her sit up. "It's creepy."

"Did you get any food for us, Max?" Sam asked while Joyce began scarfing down all the food she could.

"Of course, Sam," Max said getting out burgers and drinks for himself and Sam while he sat himself down on the arm of the couch next to Sam.

"Thanks for doing this, little pal," Sam said as he started to eat. "We haven't eaten since before we left to see the doctor this morning. We're starving."

"I can see that," Max said remarking on how quickly Joyce was eating. "Yeesh! The baby's quite the relentless mofo. He has you both weary and exhausted, and he's not even here yet. I love the little son of a gun already."

Joyce and Sam paused and looked at each other.

"Do you wanna tell him, or shall I?" Joyce asked between bites.

"What is she talking about, Sam?" Max asked.

"Max," Sam started hesitantly. "We found out the gender of the baby today. It's a girl."

"What?" Max asked incredulously.

"It's true," Sam said. "We looked at the ultrasounds. She's definitely a girl."

"Awwww," Max said leaning back in disappointment. "Here, I was getting excited about having someone to teach about fighting. How could you do this to me, you little traitor?"

"You can still teach a girl how to fight, Max," Joyce said. "My Dad taught me everything I know and look how I turned out."

"That doesn't make me feel better," Max said still moping. "I don't want another you."

Instead of getting offended, Joyce rolled her eyes and kept eating.

"You know she's not going to be exactly like her or me, Max," Sam said in annoyance for once at Max's childishness. "When God makes babies, he takes genetics from both parents to make someone new. She'll be a mix of me and Joyce. Can you handle that?"

"I guess," Max said starting to mellow down a little and going back to eating. "I just really wanted a boy."

"You don't get to choose the gender, little pal," Sam said calming down. "I mean, theoretically, we could, but that would be playing God, which as science fiction has taught us is unethical and ultimately screws everyone over. I for one am just happy that she's healthy regardless of what she is. You'll just have to get over it and stop being so damn sexist."

"Okay, fine," Max said. "She still has a lot of fight in her. I should be able to teach her everything I know if Joyce's sass doesn't get in the way."

"That's the spirit, little pal," Sam said. "That reminds me. We have also decided on a name…"

"Sweet, what is it?" Max asked. "Uma Thurman? Russell Crowe? Quentin Tarentino?"

"She's a girl, dumbass," Joyce said.

"Quentina Tarentino?" Max asked.

"No, dough head," Sam said. "We're going to name her Maxine, after you."

"Sam?" Max asked feeling unexpectedly touched. "Are you really?"

"Yes," Sam said. "We talked about it, and we decided that there was no one better to name my firstborn after than my little pal."

"I'll name the next one," Joyce said.

"Sam, that's so sweet," Max said crying a little and giving Sam a surprise hug. "I'd be honored."

As soon as he let go of Sam, Max walked over to Joyce's belly, placed his hand on it, and said, "Hey, Maxine! I'm sorry for giving you so much grief. I'm not really that sexist. I don't have anything against girls, well, most girls. I mean, I'm not attracted to them, but then again, I don't have romantic feelings, so don't take it personally. Point is, you're alright. Of course, you are. I mean, you're named after me. You're freakin' awesome!"

Max could feel her kicking in response to his voice.

"Oh, she's kicking," Joyce said. "She's kicking hard."

"That's right, baby girl!" Max yelled. "Keep it up! I wanna see imprints of little feet out here! Oh, hell yeah! That's the stuff. I'll make a fighter out of you yet."

Max was super supportive from then on out, even as Joyce's mood swings got worse meaning that the Commissioner gave them even fewer jobs and more tax-paid paternal leave than before. He hardly complained about it for the duration of the pregnancy up until the night Maxine was born.

Back in modern day, Sam finished preparing the food and started to set the table for breakfast. He could still remember that fateful night that changed his life forever.

Cue another flashback.

It was a cold night in the middle of January when his wife had gone into labor. They travelled as quickly as they could and got Joyce to the hospital before the labor became too painful. Max was on board and waiting in the delivery room with Sam up until the contractions started pushing out the baby. Then he bolted out the door and stood in the waiting area with his body covered in perspiration. Sam ran after him.

"SAM, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Joyce yelled from the delivery room. "GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE NOW!"

"Get back here, Max," Sam said. "You're going to miss the delivery!"

"I can't do it!" Max yelled. "Oh, my God! Don't make me go back in there! I've torn out people's intestines, but that is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen! Please let me wait out here!"

"SAM!" Joyce yelled.

"No way in hell!" Sam yelled while wrestling Max to the ground. "I'm not going back in there without support."

"No!" Max yelled when Sam finally managed to restrain him and pick him up. "I can't do it!"

"Shut up, dough head! We're going back in!"

"NO!"

Sam got the two of them back in there in time to hear Joyce give out one final scream and one final push. The room immediately went silent. Sam and Max stopped yelling at each other and the doctors started giving orders again when they heard the yelp of the little white puppy.

Sam and Max let go of each other and ran up to get a glimpse of her as the doctors finished up their work, laid her on top of Joyce's abdomen and wiped her off while she continued crying. She was little and white as snow with black spots on her ears. Sam and Max were both in awe.

Joyce laid in her bed sweating and breathing hard.

Sam walked up to her, held her hand, looked at her, and said, "Joyce, are you alright?"

"Yeah," she said between breaths. "Thanks for ditching me before the final push."

"I'm sorry," Sam said. "Max got cold feet."

Joyce sighed happily, kissed Sam on the cheek, and said, "I never could stay mad at you, babe. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Hey, lovebirds!" they both heard Max say.

Sam looked over to see his little buddy holding Maxine who was swaddled in a white blanket.

"You want this?" Max asked. "This is pretty cute, but I'll gladly take her off your hands if you don't want her as long as you pay child support."

"Hey, asshole," Joyce said extending her arms out to him. "Give us our daughter. We need to bond, and I'm pretty sure you don't have the ability to feed her."

"Alright, alright," Max said handing her to Sam who handed her back to Joyce. "Good Lord, she's out of you and you're still cranky."

"You didn't have to carry her for 9 months or push her out," Joyce said before she and Sam looked at Maxine's face for the first time.

Maxine stopped crying and looked back at her parents for the first time. Sam happily studied every detail of her little face. She certainly had all of Joyce's colors, but Maxine's facial structure was very much just like his.

"Hey, Maxine," Joyce said breaking the silence. "I'm Joyce, but you can call me Mom. That guy standing next to me is Sam. That's your Daddy."

"And I'm Uncle Max," Max said jumping on Sam's shoulders. "You're named after me. We met already. Ah, she sure is beautiful. Isn't she, Sam? Sam?"

Sam had been staring into Maxine's little face and crying the whole time in both joy and sadness. Max looked at his face to see what was happening and smiled in response.

"Come on, Sam," Max said. "Say something. Give her a good first impression."

Sam opened his mouth and found himself choked up.

It was then that he heard the ghostly voice of his other Max say, " _Don't worry, Sam. I can see her just fine. She's much better-looking than you will ever be."_

"What's the matter, Sam?" the living Max asked.

Sam's face curled into a smile as he crouched down over his child, stroked her soft fur, and said, "Welcome to the family, Maxine."

Back in the present, Sam was sitting at the table and wiping tears from his eyes. He looked up at the couch. Max, Sammy, and Maxine were still sitting there watching the parade. They were all so content and comfy.

Looking back, Sam may have not had the easiest life. Everything had always been a whirlwind of insanity, but as crazy as things had been, his life was freaking awesome and he wouldn't have had it any other way.

Sam sighed in contentment.

 _"_ _Good Lord, Sam, what are you waiting for? You know how much Maxine loves watching parades with you. Now, get off your sorry ass and snuggle with my feisty, adorable goddaughter right this second. By the way, Past Sam and I love the smart and vicious new addition. Cuddle her, too."_

Sam smiled in response to the ghostly voice and stood up. He moved all the plates and mugs to the coffee table in the den and took his spot on the couch. As Maxine cuddled next to him, Sam rubbed her head and looked at Max with Sammy before he looked back at the TV screen to watch the parade.

As crazy as his life had been, his journey had brought him here, and here, Sam had more love in his life than he ever thought he would. That was more than enough to be thankful for.


	15. Chapter 15

Max laid in bed. It was December, and he couldn't sleep. He had to decide what to give his daughter for Christmas besides all the toys that Santa was going to bring. Max couldn't decide, so he started having flashbacks.

The first one was from when he and Sam returned from dealing with Sammy's parents. Sam pushed the piano in through the entrance while Max followed in behind them. Sybil was sitting on their couch watching TV. She turned around when she heard the door shut.

"Woah!" Sybil yelled standing up at the sight of the blood on Max's fur. "What did you do?!"

"You're going to wake the kids up, Sybil," Max said walking past her and opening the door to the girls' room.

"Oh, my God," Sybil said to Sam. "Did he kill them?"

"No, but we made them think we were," Sam said nonchalantly pushing the piano against the wall. "Hell, by the time they sober up, they'll wish that he had. We took them into custody."

"Oh, well, good. Is the piano from their house?"

"Yep, we got it out before we burned their house down."

"Thank, God! It's a beautiful instrument. I play piano, you know. I was a piano teacher before I became a counselor."

"Oh, really. You think you could teach the girls whenever you come over to do therapy with Sammy?"

"Oh, that would be fun, but I might have to start charging you. I have a superpowered son who likes to bend rocks and destroy sidewalks. Abe's job in the government is great and my income has been fairly steady, but those extra expenses certainly do rack up."

"I guess you already are doing us a favor by counseling Sammy for free, and we are about to earn a lot of money from pawning the other stuff. How about we discuss terms over coffee before you go home?"

"Sure."

Meanwhile, Max had quietly walked into the girls' room and was hovering over Sammy's bed. She and Maxine were sleeping soundly. It was sweet. To see them at peace without a care in the world, it was one of the few things that could warm the cold reaches of his heart, and now, Sammy had a new reason to be at peace.

Max crouched down next to her, leaned over her, rubbed her soft little face, and whispered into Sammy's ear, "Your dream has come true, Samantha. Those bastards are gone forever. They're going to prison, but they're still alive just like you wanted. Let me know if you have any other dreams. I'll make them happen. I love you."

Max gave her a kiss on the cheek, and in the dark, he thought he could see his daughter smile. Max rubbed her little head one more time and stood up to walk out. When he turned around, Sam was leaning against the door frame and smiling while Sybil stood their next to him.

Max walked out of the room quietly like nothing had happened and shut the door behind him.

Then, he quickly turned to Sam and said, "Don't you say a damn word. I'm going to take a shower."

Max walked off to the bathroom and shut the door, so he could take his shower.

Sam and Sybil smiled at each other knowingly.


	16. Chapter 16

Max smiled at the memory. He smiled even morning when he remembered how excited Sammy and Maxine were the morning after.

Sammy opened the door after getting ready for school. She was chipper as ever while waiting for Maxine to sluggishly get ready in the doorway.

"Hurry up, Maxine!" Sammy yelled back in the room. "Breakfast is ready."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Maxine said in her usual grouchy tone. "What are we having?"

"I don't know…Oh, my gosh!" Sammy yelled when she saw the piano from her old home sitting in the den. "Maxine, my piano's here!"

Sammy ran over to it, and Maxine quickly ran out after her. Sammy pulled out the bench that was underneath it and started playing "Fur Elise."

"How did that get here?" Maxine asked. "Wasn't that at your house?"

"It was before we got it," Max said walking over and leaning against the instrument. "We picked it up while we were out last night. How do you like it, girls?"

"It's a little bit out of tune," Sammy said as she finished playing and turned around. "But it's really here. I can't believe it. I missed it so much! You can play it too, Maxine."

"I want to, but I don't know how," Maxine said. "Could you teach me?"

"Sure, it's not that hard. I learned from reading the lesson books in the bench and practiced when my old mommy and daddy weren't around, but I haven't gotten to the complicated stuff quite yet."

"Sybil said she would teach both of you when she comes over to help Sammy," Sam said from the kitchen. "Come in here and wash your hands. Your eggs will get cold."

"Okay!" they both said at once.

The girls obediently ran into the kitchen and climbed on the counter to wash their hands. When they were done, they jumped off, sat at their chairs, and started eating. Max came in and joined them.

"So, did my old mommy and daddy give you the piano?" Sammy asked.

"Or did you have to beat them up for it?" Maxine added.

"It was probably the latter, wasn't it? Neither of them are very nice."

"You two really are too smart for your own good," Sam said with a laugh.

"That is exactly what happened," Max said. "We arrested their asses last night."

"Max, you said you wouldn't swear in front of them."

"Pffff, they'll live."

"So, that's why you didn't want us to know what you were doing," Sammy said.

"Yep," Max said. "We figured that you'd like it."

"Did you really learn how to play the piano from just reading the books?" Sam asked. "You sounded great."

"It's not that hard," Sammy said. "I'm glad it's back. Now, Maxine and I can play it as much as we want!"

"Only if the sun is up, squirt," Max said. "By the way, I got something else for ya, but like the piano, you two will have to share."

"Okay," Sammy said.

"What is it?" Maxine asked.

Max pulled out the tablet, and Sammy squealed with excitement.

"It's my tablet!" Sammy squealed while Max pushed it across the table to her and Maxine. "I thought I would never see it again! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You're the best Daddy ever!"

"Remember, you have to share," Sam said sternly.

"Okay," Sammy said showing Maxine and flipping to the games section. "You can play with it too, Maxine. There are all kinds of games on here."

Maxine looked over the games and did not share her friend's enthusiasm.

"Are these all learning games, Sammy?" Maxine asked in disappointment.

"Yeah," Sammy said excitedly pointing to an app. "This one's my favorite. It's what I use to learn Hiragana."

"What's Hiragana?"

"It's a writing system that the Japanese use."

"Don't you have any fun games on here. Like Mario?"

"These games are fun!"

"How? They're all learning games."

"That doesn't mean they're boring."

"Does so."

"Does not. Look, you see this app here. You have to guess what the symbols mean, and when you get it right, you can go to the next level."

Sammy answered a Hiragana question correctly and scored points on the app.

"See?" Sammy asked.

"Oh," Maxine said grabbing the tablet and trying to play the game herself. She got an answer right and smiled. "I got one right, Sammy."

Maxine's competitive instincts took over, and she could not put it down. Sam had to wrestle it away from her, so she would go to school. It wasn't an easy battle either. Their fight probably went on for three rounds.

Awww, the memories!


	17. Chapter 17

Sam and Max AU: Excuse for Flashbacks 3

Max was no closer to finding present ideas, but he did enjoy reliving the memories. He loved his girls more than he had ever cared about any child, besides Sam. He was surprised at how quickly he adapted to being a father and how much he enjoyed every second of it. Max's only regret was that he wasn't there for Sammy's earlier years. He could have shared earlier life moments with her, like he had with Maxine.

Cue Flashback.

As Maxine's uncle/godfather, Max was often left to babysit whenever Sam and Joyce wanted to go anywhere. Joyce was struggling with what the doctors called post-partum depression. Max didn't know much about it, but he knew that meant her depression was linked to having a kid and Sam did everything he could do to make her feel better, which, fortunately for him, meant more bonding time with his favorite goddaughter.

It was almost midnight on a Saturday night in the middle of December. Maxine, who was only a month away from being two, was not asleep, and Max was watching his favorite Christmas movie of all time, "Die Hard." The movie was just getting to the climax when Sam and Joyce walked through the door.

"Hey, guys! How was your date?" Max asked after pausing the movie and turning around to greet them.

"It was unusually peaceful for this time of year," Sam said.

"So, you didn't get in any fights this time?" Max asked.

"Unfortunately," Joyce said between yawns. "Thanks for keeping our kid alive. I'm going to sleep."

"Goodnight, Joyce," Max said.

As soon as the bedroom door shut behind her, Sam stared deeply into Max's eyes waiting for him to crack under the pressure. Max simply sat there with his devious smile.

"Alright, Max," Sam said. "What have you taught my baby to say this time?"

"Sam, I'm surprised at you," Max said acting like he was offended. "You think that I would take advantage of my sweet little niece's innocence and unconditional love for me to get her to say offensive things for my own amusement? I'm so offended."

"Def fwum above! Def fwum above!" Maxine yelled in her innocent little voice jumping down from the couch and trotting over to her father. "Def fwum above! Def fwum above!"

Sam simply rolled his eyes and said, "Max, you're corrupting Maxine."

"If by corrupt, you mean make awesome, then yes," Max said unabashedly.

"Hey there, Maxine! Do you feel like following every violent impulse yet?" Sam asked. "Are you going to act like Uncle Max?'

"Def fwum above!" Maxine said lifting her arms up so that her Daddy would pick her up.

Sam sighed while picking up his daughter and kissing her tiny face. He took a second to smell her before he sat down on the couch next to Max.

"At least, she smells good and she's not naked…Wait a second, is this a Pulp Fiction t-shirt she's wearing?" Sam asked looking her over.

Maxine, unaware of her father's scrutiny, smiled, sat down and rested against her Daddy's chest. There was no mistaking it. She was a Daddy's girl.

"Wuv Daddy," Maxine said as Sam stroked her back.

"Daddy loves you, too," Sam said while Max played the movie.

"Uncle Max's coolest uncle ever!" Maxine yelled turning around and sitting forward on Sam's lap, so she could play with her chew toy some more.

"That's right, baby," Max said. "Uncle Max is the coolest uncle ever."

"Are you really using my 23-month-old daughter to stroke your ego?" Sam asked.

"I prefer to think of it as pointing her in the right direction in life by teaching her who to look up to."

"If I were a more responsible parent, I would be upset at the fact that you are so irresponsible and let her stay up late to watch R-rated movies, but as it stands, I'm too tired to care."

"Maxine appreciates it."

"What do you mean?"

"Look."

Max pointed at Maxine who was now asleep in Sam's lap. Sam looked at him and smiled.

"I underestimated you, little pal," Sam said carrying his daughter to her crib in her room.

"I keep telling you there's a method to my madness, Sam," Max said. "Now, she won't bother you until about 8 in the morning, and you can finish watching the movie with me."

"Appreciate it, little buddy."

Max was glad he was there then and for what happened the next year.


	18. Chapter 18

Sam and Max AU: Excuse for Flashbacks 4

Max still remembered the night when, for Sam, everything fell apart.

It was probably almost midnight again on a night in the middle of December. The two of them had just finished up a case and returned home to their apartment building. Sam could tell something was off when he opened the door, and his daughter, now almost three, was waiting on the other side. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying.

Sam crouched down to her eye level, and Max stepped in, too.

"Hey, Maxine," Sam said gently. "What's the matter?"

"Mommy's mean," Maxine said starting to cry again.

"Where is Mommy?" Sam asked.

Maxine pointed in the direction of her parents' bedroom where some odd noises were coming from.

"Look after Maxine for a second, little pal," Sam said standing up and walking past her to their bedroom.

What happened next can only be described as a rush of insanity, but unfortunately not the fun kind. Max did not see everything that happened, but he could hear it. There was a guy in Sam's bed in a compromising position with Joyce. There was a lot of yelling and screaming and the sound of a guy being thrown out the apartment window.

Max ran towards the bedroom and saw Sam. He was furiously yelling at Joyce who was covering herself with bed sheets. Things were about to get messy and Max wanted to watch, but he felt his fearful, little goddaughter clinging onto him for support.

"Daddy's mad," Maxine said quietly starting to cry again.

"Yes, he is, baby," Max said picking her up and quickly walking away as fast as he could. "Let's get out of here before things get more traumatizing. Are you hungry? Do you want me to make pizza?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

After stopping by Maxine's room to grab some things she needed, they made their way to his apartment and shut the door. The yelling didn't get any quieter, so Max turned on Christmas music to drown out the pain, just like he did for most of his childhood.

"Here, we are, kiddo," Max said. "Safe and sound. You don't have to cry anymore. Alright?"

"Okay," Maxine said while Max wiped her tears away.

Max took her to the couch and turned on a wrestling show he had recorded earlier. While she was distracted, he put a pizza in the oven and thought about what was going to happen next, more specifically what he and Sam were probably going to do next to Joyce.

After about probably ten minutes, Maxine disrupted his train of thought.

"Uncle Max?" Maxine asked.

"What is it, Maxine?" Max asked.

"Why's Mommy mean?"

"That's a hard question to answer, squirt, but my best guess is that she's a big fat jerk who doesn't appreciate what she has in life. My only hope is that…Sam?!"

Sam walked in through Max's apartment door at that moment. Max would never forget the expression on Sam's face. His eyes were puffy from crying, and the expression on his face could be best described as complete despair. That whore had broken his heart.

"It's over, Max," Sam said emotionlessly slamming the door behind him while he walked to the couch. "I've lost her. I did everything and still couldn't save her…"

"Sam, what in the hell are you talking about?" Max asked as Maxine slid over to make room for her Dad and sat in complete silence sensing the emotions of the moment. "Joyce cheated on you…"

"That guy was a drug dealer, Max. Joyce has been sleeping with him to pay for her drugs. She was taking drugs because she was depressed. I couldn't make her happy, Max. I did everything for her, but I couldn't make her happy…"

"Jesus, are you serious right now? Sam, she CHEATED on you! I am not letting you take that…"

"I didn't. I told her she had to choose between me and Maxine or the drugs, but she has chosen the drugs…"

At that moment, Sam completely broke down. He cried more than Max had ever seen him cry in his life. Maxine walked over to him and rubbed his back.

"It's okay, Daddy," Maxine said in her sweet, innocent voice. "Don't be sad. Mommy's mean. It's okay."

Sam's response was to wrap his arms around her, hold her in his lap, and continue crying. Max couldn't take it. He pulled out his luger and walked towards the door.

"Where're you going, Uncle Max?" Maxine asked. "Are you gonna fight?"

Max didn't say anything, but Sam looked up and knew in a second what was about to happen.

"Don't do it, Max," Sam said. "Please."

"Why the hell not, Sam?" Max asked more angrily than he had in years. "Look at what she's done to you! I can't just…"

"You have to! When a spouse dies, the first person they look at is the partner. If we get caught, Maxine will get taken away. I can't take that chance. I won't. Please. Joyce has taken everything from me. I'm not letting her take Maxine, too…"

Sam started crying again, and reluctantly, Max relented and put his luger away. They all spent the night at his apartment eating pizza and deciding what to do next. He and Sam found a neighborhood to move into and the rest was history. If Sam hadn't stopped him, Max would have brutally murdered his ex with methods more horrible than even his most unfortunate victim had ever endured. If Sam ever changed his mind about it, say after Maxine finally moved out of the house and had a job of her own, he was still willing to go through with it. That woman destroyed Sam. She deserved much worse.

Oh, well. Max finally rolled over and fell asleep having in an unexpected twist finally figured out what to get Sammy for Christmas.


	19. Chapter 19

Sam and Max AU: Obligatory Christmas Chapter

A few weeks later, the day came. It was finally Christmas.

"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Sammy yelled while trying to push her daddy awake.

Sam looked up and looked around. Maxine, still in her nightgown, was sitting on top of his stomach.

"Wake up, Daddy! It's Christmas!" Maxine yelled.

"Alright, kiddo," Sam sitting up and letting her fall backward. "Where's Samantha?"

"Choco's trying to wake up Uncle Max."

"The power of Christ compels you!" Sammy yelled from the top bunk. "Why isn't the power of Christ and Christmas compelling you to wake up? Wake up…Hey! Let me go!"

Maxine jumped off Sam and climbed the ladder to see what was happening. Sam got out of his bed to see the same thing. Max had pulled down Sammy and was now pretending to sleep while cuddling her in his arms like a teddy bear.

"Hey! Wake up!" Sammy yelled while giggling and struggling to get out of his arms.

"I don't need to," Max said sleepily. "I'm comfortable and cuddling with my favorite stuffed animal."

"I'm not a stuffed animal. I'm Sammy."

"Really? But you're cute and cuddly like a stuffed animal. How do I know I'm not having a dream?"

"I'll bite your face!"

"Hmmm…That sounds like something Sammy might say, but I'm not so sure…"

"Little pal, we have two 5-year-olds who want to celebrate Christmas," Sam said. "We have to get up! Now, stop being a complete Scrooge and let our babies open their Christmas presents."

"But it's so much fun," Max said while Sammy slipped out of his grip and started munching on his ears.

"Nom! Nom! Nom!" Sammy said loudly while chewing on his ears. "There! You're not asleep. Now, wake up already!"

"Yeah," Maxine said while forcing him to sit up. "It's Christmas. You can sleep later!"

"I can never sleep again," Max said sitting up and stretching while Sammy sat on his head and continued to chew. "I gave that up when I became a godfather and adopted father. Sammy, you can stop sharpening your teeth on my ears. I'm awake."

Max shook his head, and Sammy fell in his lap with a smile.

"Is that blood on your teeth?" Max asked.

"Yeah, I think I bit too hard," Sammy said. "Sorry!"

"Don't be, squirt. Daddy is proud of you. You finally learned how to break the skin."

Samantha smiled while Max wiped the blood out of her teeth.

"Come on!" Maxine whined. "We need to open presents!"

"Alright, alright," Max groaned while climbing out of the bed with Sammy following after him. "Let's go."

The four made their way to the living room where the presents from Sam and Max and the presents from Santa were gathered under the tree. Maxine ran straight for the presents, but Samantha was awestruck and frozen in place.

"I've never seen so many presents in my life," Sammy said with a few tears in her eyes. "This is too good to be true!"

"This is what Christmas is like when your parents aren't jerks, Choco," Maxine said almost done tearing open a box. "Come on! Open presents with me. This box over here is for you, and it's really heavy."

"Okay," Sammy said running over. "Presents, here, I come!"

Sammy sat down and started tearing open her present from Max.

"It sure feels good to see our little ones soaking up the materialism of Christmas," Sam said.

"You said it, Sam," Max said. "I only hope that Sammy enjoys what I got for her."

"I wouldn't worry, little pal. With the life she's had, I'm sure she'll love anything you give her as long as it's better than what her worthless ex-parents gave her."

"YEAH, BOOKS!" Sammy yelled. "There are so many books in here and the covers are so pretty."

"Uncle Max got you books?" Maxine asked pausing to go through the box.

"You got her books?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I figured that my little bookworm loves books more than anything else in the world, so why not?" Max said. "I went to Barnes and Noble and bought all the books with the nice hardback covers on them."

"Ooh, _The Art of War_ ," Sammy read on the cover of one of the books. "I've never heard of that one."

"Little pal," Sam said. "Aren't you worried that some of these books might be a bit…advanced…for someone Samantha's age?"

"Of course not," Max said. "I read the backs of all of them to make sure none of them were rated M for mature. She'll be fine."

"Thanks, Daddy!" Sammy said. "I love them."

"Make sure you get to the bottom of the box," Max said. "There's one more in there."

Sammy eagerly dug to the bottom of the box and pulled out one book that was much bigger than the others. It was a big book of comics with Spiderman on the cover.

"Is this a comic book?" Sammy asked in confusion.

"It's not just any comic book," Max said. "It's a collection of all the essential Spiderman comics. You've read so many kinds of books, darlin'. I thought it was time to introduce you to something new. Comics tell stories with pictures and word bubbles, but they're as good at telling stories as any other book."

"Okay," Sammy said opening the first page with Maxine looking over her shoulder. "Woah! There are so many pictures, but I can still read the words! I've never seen anything like this before. This is cool! Thanks, Daddy!"

"You're welcome, squirt!" Max said in satisfaction.

"Hey, Choco!" Maxine said. "We can read this together."

"Okay," Sammy said. "We'll start reading now."

"Sweet."

"I say you win Christmas, little pal," Sam said. "They're so excited they're not looking at their other presents and what they're doing is semi-educational. Good work, Max! Now, what did you get me?"

"Um, I didn't get you anything, Sam," Max said. "All these years supporting you with my undying friendship have been more than enough. Don't you think? What greater gift is there?"

Sam reflected for a moment and said, "I suppose you're right…"

"I'm just kidding, Sam. Check under the tree. For your sake, there better be a present for me, too."

"You crack me up, little buddy."


	20. Chapter 20

"No, Sam! You traitor!" Max yelled while Sam was standing in his apartment kitchen holding his 22-month-old daughter and making coffee. "How could you do this?! How could you turn my favorite goddaughter against me?!"

"Max, I do not have the slightest idea of what you're referring to," Sam said pouring himself and Max a cup.

"Then, how do you explain the horrible way my niece is addressing me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Hi, widda bunny!" Maxine said from her Dad's arms.

"That," Max said gesturing towards her while she went back to chewing on her chew toy. "She's calling me that horrible word."

"Oh, you mean bunny…" Sam said before sipping from his coffee.

"Don't call me that word, Sam. You know how I feel about that awful word. Why did you teach it to your daughter?"

"I didn't. She must have heard me calling you 'little buddy' and got the words confused."

"Widda bunny!" Maxine said again.

"Likely story," Max said grabbing his cup of coffee and walking back to his apartment. "I'm watching you. I'll be back in a second. I forgot my luger."

Sam heard the apartment door opening and shutting.

When Sam was sure that Max was out of ear shot, he walked to the den, sat Maxine on his lap, and said, "Max is a cute little bunny. Isn't he?"

"Widda bunny," Maxine said.

"Little bunny," Sam said.

"Widda bunny."

"Aha!" Max said leaping out of the hallway. "I knew it! It was you!"

"Come on, Max," Sam said in amusement. "You have to admit it's cute."

"Widda bunny," Maxine said sliding off the couch and running to over to give Max a hug. "Widda bunny. Widda bunny! Max widda bunny!"

"No, it's not cute," Max said scooping Maxine into his arms. "It's lies!"

"What are you gonna do about it, little pal?" Sam asked.

"This is war, Sam," Max said in all seriousness. "You'll pay for corrupting the mind of my innocent little niece."

"Widda bunny," Maxine said.

"You poor deluded child…" Max said holding her in a hug.


	21. Chapter 21

"RAWR!" Sammy yelled. "RAWR!"

It was early Saturday morning. Sammy, Sam, and Max were awake.

"RAWR!"

"Sammy, shut up!" Maxine yelled from their bedroom.

"RAWR!"

"Nothing says Saturday morning like pointless bickering," Sam said drinking coffee at the kitchen table with Max. "Huh, Max?"

"Brings back memories," Max said. "Doesn't it?"

"Yep. I still remember the day you got that plate in your head."

"RAWR! RAWR!" Sammy yelled while running to the table, jumping on Max's back, and chewing on his head.

"I seem to have a child chewing on my ears," Max said.

"So, you do," Sam said. "Hey, Sammy! Why are you trying to eat Max?"

"I'm a velociraptor," Sammy said.

"I thought you wanted to be a selkie," Max said.

"I want to be a velociraptor right now," Sammy said.

"Oh, okay," Max said before he and Sam went back to what they were talking about.


	22. Chapter 22

Early Sunday morning, Sam was the first one up, so he made himself a pot of coffee.

While he was leaning against the counter and waiting for it to get ready, he heard the door to the girls' room open and shut. Then he heard little feet making their way to the front door. The small figure finally walked past the kitchen. It was Sammy wearing her winter clothes and carrying a backpack on her back.

She leaped up to the door handle, unlocked the door, and tried with much difficulty to pull it open.

"Hey, Sammy," Sam said. "What are you doing so early in the morning?"

"I have to take a book back to the library," Sammy said still hanging from the door handle. "Why's the door handle so difficult to move today?"

"Sammy, you know that you're not supposed to go out by yourself…"

"Because I might have to beat someone up who's bigger and stronger than me. I know, but everyone was sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up."

"That's never stopped you before."

"I can handle this myself. I've gone by myself before."

"Sammy, what have we told you?"

"Act like a kid while you still can because adulthood sucks."

"That's right, dear," Sam said picking her up and putting her on the floor. "How about I take you to the library? I wanted to go out for food anyway. Just let me get my coffee to go."

"Alright," Sammy said reluctantly. "Just don't take too long. I don't want to pay a late fee again."

Sam and Sammy soon were walking outside and making their way to the DeSoto. The snow had fallen heavily, but thankfully, the roads were clear. The snow covered Sam's feet and covered half of Sammy's body. Nonetheless, she was happy. Sammy hopped through the snow and smiled at how it covered her legs. She loved hopping just so she could watch her legs sneak into the snow.

"You need help, Samantha?" Sam asked.

"No, I like the snow," Sammy said. "I can get through it."

Sam smiled and unlocked the car that had its roof on for the winter season. He waited patiently while Sammy climbed in and took her seat.

"Hey, Sammy?" Sam asked. "How about we get breakfast somewhere on the way?"

"Okay," Sammy said. "Breakfast is really important. If we don't eat it, our metabolisms will slow down, and we'll get fat. Or I will. It might be too late for you."

"I'll keep that in mind," Sam said sarcastically while starting the engine.

The pair drove off to find somewhere to eat in the winter wonderland that was now their town. Sammy looked around at it in wonder from the car window. Sam saw her through his rearview mirror and smiled. It was one of his favorite parts of childhood.

Sam started pulling into a drive-through when Sammy screamed, "STOP!"

Sam slammed on brakes, but there was nothing in front of him and no reason they should have stopped.

"Sammy, what gives?" Sam asked. "You almost caused an accident and gave your father something to hold over my head for the rest of my life."

"We can't eat there. Their food is fake."

Sam rolled his eyes. This was one major con of having a child with a genius IQ.

"Sammy, everyone knows their food is fake," Sam said pulling into a parking spot to get the agitated drivers off his back. "It's an open secret, like the president's low IQ scores."

"Then, why do people eat there?"

"Because enough people are in denial of it that they can continue to stay in business."

"We must right this wrong!"

"How do you suggest we do that?"

Sammy pondered in the backseat for a moment before she came up with an idea.

"We should expose them to the press!" Sammy said resolutely. "Then all the world will know that it's fake!"

"Well, taking down a major fast food corporation is on my bucket list," Sam said. "Let's do it. We might get free food out of it anyway."

"Yeah!"

Sammy pushed open the door and hopped into the snow. Sam walked over, picked her up, and placed her on his right shoulder then continued walking to the door.

"Sam, I wanna walk in the snow," Sammy complained.

"I know, but the snow in some places is taller than you are," Sam said. "Besides, if we want this sting to be successful, we have to look as non-threatening as possible."

"Why?"

"Sweetheart, you have a lot to learn about stings. Do you know what a sting is?"

"Yeah, it's when police are trying to catch someone in the act of doing something bad."

"Good, but what do you do if you want someone to do something bad without them knowing you're a cop?"

"You don't say anything?"

"Yes, but you also have to look innocent," Sam said as they approached the door. "The more innocent you look, the less likely they'll be to suspect you."

"Oh, like a Trojan horse," Sammy said as Sam opened the door and walked through.

"Exactly," Sam said. "Follow my lead."

"Hi, welcome to [insert restaurant name here]! May I take your order?" the broke college student wearing a uniform behind the counter said.

"Yeah," Sammy said standing up on Sam's shoulder. "I want a chicken, egg, and cheese biscuit. He'll have the same thing. Make it snappy!"

"Anything to drink?" the amused employee said.

"We want fresh orange juice, and I mean fresh!" Sammy said sliding down to Sam's arm before stopping. "Oh, yeah! He's paying. I'm going to the playground. Please and thank you!"

Sammy slid to the ground and ran off to the play area inside the building.

"That child is quite spirited," the employee said while ringing up the total. "Is she yours?"

"No, she's my niece and goddaughter," Sam said putting down the cash. "She's just like her daddy."

"The food'll be right out, sir."

"Thanks!"

Sam sat down next to the play area where Sammy was running around and running amuck. Sam knocked on the glass of the enclosure to get Sammy's attention. When she looked up, he gestured for her to come outside.

Sammy bolted outside as quickly as she could and said, "Yes?"

"Sammy, that was funny, but you were supposed to be all cute and innocent like most children are when they come into places like this," Sam said. "You could have blown our cover."

"But I was acting how Daddy usually does when he brings me to these places."

"Oh, that makes a lot of sense…Well anyway, do you still want to expose this restaurant?"

"Yeah, what do we do now?"

Sam took out his smartphone, handed it to Sammy, and said, "Go into the kitchen and take as many pictures of suspicious-looking things as possible."

"But won't they see me?" Sammy asked.

"Leave that to me," Sam said. "Get going. If anything goes wrong, just scream and I'll come in there to break some necks. Alright?"

"Okay!"

"Let's go!"

Sam got up and walked over to the counter while Sammy walked behind him.

"I was just about to call you," the employee said. "Your food's ready."

"I have a question about the food," Sam said.

"Yes?" he replied nervously while Sam gestured behind his back for Sammy to sneak behind the counter.

"Are these real eggs?"

"What?"

Sammy walked underneath the divider and tiptoed straight into the kitchen. Her eyes grew large with wonder while the employees listlessly walked around like the zombies corporate America made them. She watched them work and took pictures without them paying the least amount of attention.

"Are you sure there's no way for me to get you to tell me the truth?" Sam asked.

"Look, man, I need to get my manager," the employee said. "I can't afford to lose this job…"

"It's alright, Sam," Sammy said walking out of the kitchen. "He's telling the truth. The food in there is real."

"Wait," the employee said. "Was your kid just in the kitchen?"

"I think we'll take this food to go," Sam said stuffing the food into his coat pocket, running over to where Sammy was, and scooping her up in his arms. "Thank you for cooperating with the freelance police's annual health inspection! Bye!"

"Wait, why are we leaving?" Sammy asked as Sam ran out the door.

"Our cover was blown when they did nothing wrong," Sam said reaching his car, quickly unlocking his door, and throwing Sammy into the backseat. "We could get in trouble for trespassing, and I don't feel like dealing with that right now. Not this early."

"Then, what do we do now?" Sammy asked while buckling her seatbelt.

"We eat this food and go to the library," Sam said as he pulled out of his parking spot and sped down the road as quickly as he could.


	23. Chapter 23

Sam and Sammy ate their breakfast in the car in the library's parking lot and then made their way into the library.

"Hi, Betsy!" Sammy said after walking through the door with Sam. "I'm here to bring my book back."

"Hello, Sammy!" Betsy said walking outside the counter and crouching down to give her a hug. "I'm happy to see that you've arrived with someone this time."

"What do you mean by that?" Sam asked. "Has she walked here by herself?"

"She has walked here by herself several times since moving in with you," Betsy said almost accusingly. "It has made me wonder how good you two are at parenting."

"She was not supposed to be doing that," Sam said giving Sammy a pointed look. "We've told her several times not to do that."

"I didn't want to wake you up," Sammy said.

"Seems like you need to be observant, man," Betsy said standing up and crossing her arms. "Unless someone wants to hear from child services…"

"That won't be necessary," Sammy said taking off and digging through her backpack for the book. "I'll stop walking by myself. Don't be mean to Sam."

"Alright," Betsy said.

"Here's the book," Sammy said pulling it out and handing it to Betsy.

"Thanks, Sammy!"

"No problem! Now, I'm off to find more!"

Sammy ran off into the library.

Before Sam could follow her, Betsy put her hand on Sam's shoulder and said, "If I ever think that baby is suffering because of you, I'll make you wish you were never born."

"Duly noted," Sam said running to catch up with his godchild.

"Hey, Sam!" Sammy said looking around in the culture section. "What took you so long? Did Betsy threaten your life again?"

"Yes," Sam said. "I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I fear the repercussions."

Sammy started climbing on the shelves and said, "Don't worry about it. She just does it because she cares. She almost never uses her martial arts on people."

"Sammy, what are you doing?" Sam asked.

"I want a book that's way up there, so I'm climbing to get it," Sammy said as she made her way up.

"Sammy, you know you could ask for help, right?" Sam asked.

Sammy turned around and looked at him as if he had offered her $100.

"You mean you'd be willing to help me climb the shelves?" Sammy asked excitedly.

"More like using my tall stature to reach the books for you," Sam said.

"Books? You mean I can check out more than one?"

"Duh!"

"Oh, my gosh! Today is the best day ever! Could you get me down?"

Sammy was only three shelves from the bottom, but Sam picked her up and put her on his shoulder.

"So, Sammy, what books do you want?" Sam asked.

"I want that book," Sammy said pointing to the book she wanted.

Sam pulled it off the shelf, but right when he did, Sammy said, "No, I change my mind. I want another book. I've read that one a bunch of times. I want the other one."

Sam pulled the other book she was pointing to off the shelf, but she said, "No, I don't want that one either."

The same thing happened several more times.

Sammy then finally yelled in frustration right next to Sam's ears.

"Argh!" Sammy said. "I don't know which book I want. I want something different, but I don't know what. It's frustrating!"

Sam was thoughtful for a second.

Then, he walked away and said, "I have an idea. I know something else you might like."

Sam wandered over to the mystery section and picked up a classic.

"Is that Sherlock Holmes?" Sammy asked.

"Yep, reading these suckers is what relieved me and Max on days of relentless bullying," Sam said. "It's probably what also inspired me to be a freelance police officer."

"I've heard of those books, but I haven't read them yet."

"Well, you're in for a treat. Come on. Let me read a short story and see if you can figure out the mystery…"

About 30 minutes later…

"Ha! I knew it!" Sammy yelled from the arm of the chair Sam was sitting in. "I knew the whole red head club thing was bogus! Only a moron would fall for that!"

"As I said before," Sam said flipping to the next one. "You really are too smart for your own good."

"Can we read another one? I want to figure out the next one."

"Alright," Sam said trying to conceal a smile. "I suppose I can read the next one as long as you're not getting bored…"

"I don't get bored, Sam," Sammy said bouncing up and down. "I'm used to entertaining myself. Read another one. Please!"

Sam smiled.

"Okay," he said turning the page to the next short story.


	24. Chapter 24

Sammy and Maxine were running around their house during spring break wearing heart t-shirts and covered in green glitter since the author didn't have the laptop to write a story for Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day.

Meanwhile, Sam and Max were talking about what to do since they had to buy the presents they forgot for Easter and had two 6-year-olds who couldn't be left alone.

"Okay, so you stay here and watch the young whippersnappers while I buy them presents?" Sam asked.

"Sure, Sam," Max said. "We better get the plot going before the author starts daydreaming about Undertale again?"

"How many times do I have to tell ya not to break the fourth wall?"

"You do it all the time?"

"Exactly, I want to be involved, too."

"Okay, Sam. Next time, I'll be more considerate."

"Thanks, little pal."

"Now, get your ass going."

Before turning to leave, Sam said, "Are you sure you don't want to come with me, Max? We could get cute pictures…"

"Dear God, Sam," Max said. "You really expect me to go out there with all those horrible pagan symbols ruining the holy nature of Easter?"

"You just wanna avoid all the Easter bunnies. Don't you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"I understand, Max," Sam said patting his pockets to make sure keys were there and opening the front door. "Watch after the girls while I get presents and food."

"No problem, Sam," Max said. "Just hurry up before we're forced to cannibalize."

"Good God, Max, how could you even…?"

"What? I'm talking eating the false rabbit gods outside. I would eat you before I ate the girls."

"That is both touching and disturbing. I'm going to leave before I have any more time to think about it, little buddy. Bye, girls! I'm getting food. I'll be back later!"

"Bye, Daddy!" Maxine yelled from the couch.

"See ya later, Sam," Sammy said. "Don't be fooled by all the bunnies. Those traditions were based on paganism."

"I'll keep that in mind," Sam said as he walked out the door.

Once Sam had walked out the door, Max hopped over the couch in between his girls who were watching TV.

"It's just you and me, ladies," Max said. "What do you wanna do?"

"We're looking for something to watch on Netflix, Daddy," Samantha said using the remote to pull it up on their TV.

"Did you have any show in mind?" Max asked.

"No, we were looking for something we haven't seen yet," Sammy said as Max took the remote from her. "Good, I'll choose something before the author gets distracted and decides to write more Undertale fan fiction again."

"What?" the two girls said at once.

"I just broke the fourth wall," Max said.

"What does that mean?" Maxine asked.

"I'll explain it when you're older," he replied.

Max scrolled through the options until he found what he was looking for: "G. I. Joe."

"Me and Sam loved this show growing up," Max said as he selected it and played the first episode. "It had everything. Offensive Stereotypes. Sparsely Censored Gun Violence. Unchecked Levels of Patriotism. It was the best."

Max selected the show and played the first episode. Waves of happy nostalgia flooded over him as he watched the theme of the show that partially inspired his love of guns and gun violence.

Unfortunately, Max forgot how smart his kids were.

"Daddy, if the soldiers want to bring freedom, why are they bombing everything?" Sammy asked.

"It's because they're fighting the bad guys, Sammy," Maxine said. "Duh!"

"But what if they bomb civilians?" Sammy asked.

"They deserve it if they're stupid enough to be in war zone when there's fighting going on," Max said. "Be quiet. I'm trying to watch the show."

After a moment of silence, Maxine laughed out loud and said, "The guy dressed like a Cobra looks so stupid!"

"No, he doesn't," Max said while she continued laughing. "He looks epic!"

"He looks silly, Daddy," Sammy said unable to suppress her giggles.

"Well, what do you know?" Max responded defensively. "You like a purple dinosaur."

"No, we don't," Sammy said. "He's creepy."

"Oh, thank God," Max responded.

The show went on until Maxine asked, "Oooh, who's that guy?"

"That's G.I. Joe," Max replied.

"He's cute," Sammy said.

"What?" Max asked with his eyes flashing in panic.

"You're right," Maxine said. "He's hot!"

Max quickly paused the cartoon and said, "Hold on, ladies! You think that guy is attractive?"

"Yeah," Maxine said. "What about it?"

"You girls are six!" Max said. "You two aren't even supposed to like boys yet."

"We don't like boys," Maxine said.

"Oh, thank God…" Max said.

"We like men," Maxine interrupted.

"WHAT?!" Max yelled in more of a panic than before.

"Boys are annoying," Maxine said. "But men are hot."

"I know, right?" Sammy asked with her big toothy grin. "They're so mature and smart and attractive."

"I know," Maxine said. "I wish G.I. Joe was real so I could marry him."

"Me, too," Sammy replied. "Do you think he has a twin brother?"

"Maybe. Then, we could go on dates together!"

"Yeah, we could both have boyfriends!"

Max couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"STOP!" Max yelled. "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! How can you say such awful things?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? You two are never getting boyfriends!"

"What?!" both girls asked at once.

"You can't be serious," Maxine replied.

"Yeah, how are we getting married if we never get boyfriends?" Sammy asked.

"You're never doing that either," Max said.

"Yes, we are," Sammy said. "We have to keep our population going."

"No, you don't," Max said. "I've never reproduced or even had sex, but I've had a wonderfully fulfilling life."

"What is sex?" Maxine asked.

Max had done it. He had mentioned the thing that no father should ever mention to his daughter before she's at least eight. Overcome with emotion, he fainted. This would now be Sam's problem.


	25. Chapter 25

Sammy was now seven-years-old.

The author had not updated this story in a few years because of her obsession with Undertale and then the upcoming show "Hazbin Hotel." She decided not to waste her time with descriptions in case her attention deficit disorder got the better of her.

Sammy was sitting on the couch and refusing to move. To celebrate International Women's Month, she had spent a March weekend watching documentaries about feminism with Maxine. Unfortunately, her feminist notions were a bit misguided.

"I protest the patriarchy! Down with you, male oppressors! You will not quash my protest! In the spirit of my sisters before me, I will continue!" Sammy yelled passionately.

"Samantha," Max argued tiredly. "We're just askin' ya to go to bed. It's a school night. Come on. Maxine is in bed already."

"How dare you ask to tamper with my sleep cycle!" Sammy yelled. "I am an independent woman who does not need to submit to your sexist request! Maxine was too weak to resist your misogyny. I need to be a shining example so that she will break free from the bonds of your oppression to find her inner goddess!"

"Sammy, I respect women…most of the time…It depends on how Steve Purcell feels that day."

"Aha! Then you admit to your male privilege!"

Max facepalmed and sighed deeply.

Sensing his little buddy's frustration, Sam stepped in and picked Sammy up.

"No! I will not submit!" Sammy yelled while thrashing around.

"Okay, Sammy," Sam said carrying her to her room she still shared with Maxine. "You need to go to bed so that you can go to school and continue breaking the cycle of female oppression."

Sammy stopped thrashing, thought for a moment while Sam put her on her bed, and said, "You have a point, male ally. Perhaps, you two are not as sexist as you look."


End file.
